Gerard Butler and Unicorns (or why I haven't blogged in January much)

January I've been unemployed, and as such I've been watching WAY too much TV, reading pagan-y books, and sleeping off some ongoing depression issues. Not really a valid excuse, but there you go. However, this week stuff happened that was blog-worthy, and so here I am.

I've discovered I'm allergic to martial arts. Or vigorous exercise (sorry husband). Or possibly dojos.

Monday I took my first kickboxing class in oh, seven years or so. I suspect it's called kickboxing because my ass was thoroughly kicked. Out of 60 minutes I believe I did about 35 minutes of motion, and of that only the first 15 were decent form (as proven by the scrapes on the WRONG SET OF KNUCKLES on my hands, because the more noodly my arms became the more I ended up punching the bag like a drunk 3 year old with depth perception issues).

In addition to looking like a fool, my pasty Scandahoovian heritage causes me to turn tomato red when I work out, and being overweight and out of shape means I easily overwork to the point of either feeling faint or puking. I accomplished all of the above on Monday. And about 40 minutes in I started sneezing and couldn't fucking stop.

To whoever got my heavybag when I was done...sorry dude. I swear I didn't snot on anything. I sneezed until Thursday. It was FABULOUS and I signed up for a 30 day trial program.

In other news, I received one of the COOLEST presents EVER from my friend Cait.

See Celtic Knotwork Locket

SEE GERARD BUTLER AND A UNICORN PRE-LOADED INTO SAID CELTIC KNOTWORK LOCKET!!!

That's right...now when I'm having a crankypants (or as my friend calls it: Senora del Pantalones Irritado) day I can look down at a suave, tuxedoed Scotsman hanging around my neck.

Wait...something about that just sounds terribly inappropriate.

Excellent. 

Go Ahead: Call Me Lazypants.

Do you know what happens when I have weeks and weeks off of work between the end of my contract and the beginning of a new position?

NOTHING.

So far:

• I've gotten utterly hooked on the Kevin McKidd episodes of Grey's Anatomy, even though I'd been warned not to get into that show (because goddammit, I'm trying NOT to watch so much TV, and Netflix might just be Beelzebub). Also, WHAT THE FUCK is with hospital shows getting mass shooters and sneaky stabbers rampaging through?? I remember the ER episode where Dr. Carter gets stabbed, people. Anyway, since it's highly unlikely the McKidd will get nekkid in Grey's, I think I'm over that phase. But it took up a good four days of writing time.
• "Walk Like An Egyptian" is no longer a cultural reference. I must be old: one of my beginning bellydance students DIDN'T KNOW THE SONG. Sigh. I'm utterly disappointed. As it turns out, I'm likely not keeping the class I've been teaching for the past year anyway: the rightful teacher would like to come back. But I did enjoy teaching again, and I may have to see if there are other opportunities around...otherwise I'm lazy about dance. I need to be in or be responsible for class.
• I've slept in every day and gone to be early every night. It's fucking AWESOME. That is all.
• I have a stack of new books, six episodes of Once Upon a Time, and a house to clean.

It's possible I'm turning into a hermit. I'm cool like that.

I Am Not Resolute, Bitches!

I'm wholly unfunny this week, partially due to the chest cold from hell which forced me to not-sleep on the couch one night (as opposed to not-sleeping in bed) so Husband could get SOME shut-eye. He's back to work full time, and I'm currently unemployed, therefore in all fairness he needed sleep more than me.

I attempted to create a cohesive, real post out of the random bits of snark I'd collected, but Blogger ate my post. Asshole. So I'm starting over and screw any literary idealism.

• All the cold drugs I took did NOTHING for the goddamn cough, but they did make me dream of polar bears ripping my house apart while chasing me. I woke up just before they ate my head.
• I'm greatly unimpressed by my fucked up subconscious, which should've been dreaming about Gerard Butler naked instead of killer goddamned polar bears digging through my floor to eat my head. WTF??
• Chewy is now on notice that if he turns all Jess-a-cidal he'll quickly find himself turned into a rug. He responded with an adoring stare and snuggling, which I suspect is his sneaky ploy. 
• "Omnomnomnom" and all variations thereof should be banned. WHAT THE FUCK. This is the linguistic equivalent of chewing with your fucking mouth open in public. Ish. That is all.
• Lifetime-television-for-vaginas has a new show about BRA FITTINGS. Really Lifetime? Sigh. I'll admit there are certain times of the month when I need a little ridiculous drama, but BRA FITTINGS? Because being in fitting room with the hellish sallow light and magnifying glass mirrors isn't horrid enough.
• New Year's Resolutions. I am neither resolute NOR do I consider 1/1 the beginning of my year. Resolutions are often silly, shallow attempts to feel better after a month of alcohol and chocolate. I CELEBRATE my alcohol and chocolate overindulgence, and have no guilt.

HOWEVER. I do wish to grow and learn in general, because I'm not dead nor am I a zombie (SURPRISE, the apocalypse didn't happen) as of 12/22. Now I have maxed out credit cards, a trip to Timbuktu to plan, and that $200k loan from a dude called "Shorty" from that bar...shit...

It's possible cold meds are distracting and cause odd tangents.

Anyway...shit I've considered/worked on since November.

• Use a different curse word each week. I've had lazy in my linguistic abilities lately, and it's unacceptable to me to allow my vocabulary suffer from lack of imagination. Since I firmly believe cursing has its place, I need to work on expanding my usage from George Carlin's seven. (PS: Titts IS my husband's nickname, so I'm always amused.)
• This week: "fucktwat."
• Eleanor Roosevelt said "Do something that scares you every day." I'd love to say this is one of my goals, but let's be honest here: I'm FAR too lazy to attempt to do something EVERY DAY. 365 scary new things might make my brainpan implode.
•  I am, however, trying to say "yes" to opportunities more, particularly if they make me nervous. We'll see how those work out as they appear, and I recognize this is a way to encompass all possible goals into one bullet point. I'm a cunning linguist.
• So I got a gun for the holidays and am going to try to improve my target skills (my best shot so far was the crotch of the dude on the '80's bad guy paper target).
• I suppose I should include finding a job, since I'm currently unemployed (contract ended 12/31) and though my boss said an offer was coming I've yet to see it. But I'm fairly unconcerned at this point, and am having ROME and Lord of the Rings marathons.

 Since I've lost this post twice now, I'm quitting while I'm ahead and have fully-formed saved sentences.

Fucktwat. I may have to keep that one going an extra week, just because it makes me giggle every time.