Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Oh Skymall...you dirty dirty bird...

I went home (to the tundra) last weekend. It was an adventure.

First, I was hit on by the dude next to me, Chad from downtown Minneapolis, on the plane. Chad insisted I'm 10 years younger than I am. Score.

For me.

He did not score.

Bummer for you, Chad, but you were quite charming and I am thoroughly amused.

And then I found THIS in Skymall, and all conversation ended, because I can't NOT MAKE INAPPROPRIATE COMMENTS.

What the fuck else can possibly be said about this?
OBVIOUSLY I need the Unicorn, because my balls aren't plush enough. Or horny? And it comes with it's own pump...I mean, self pumping unicorn balls?? Come ON!

Yeah, you can see why Chad stopped talking to me. I'm a whole new level of crazypants, and maybe it's better not to get in them, dude.

So...then I spent the weekend at my Grandma's house outside of Duluth. Everyone in Houston was bitching and freaking out about 40 degree weather (OH MY GOD IT'S THE APOCALYPSE! WEAR YOUR PARKAS!!). This is what I woke up to (along with -10 degree temps) Saturday:

Ignore the rocking horse and focus on the FROSTED WINDOW.
Yeah. I was cold.

Well, Helloooooo Winter, you not-yet-welcome Fall party crasher.
During the shenanigans there was hay in an eyeball, babies held, stories told, bad songs sung (there really is no rendition of "Total Eclipse of the Heart" that rivals my aunt singing "turn around, fart eyes" in a really wavery voice), and lots of laughing. I didn't pee my pants, but it was close. I DID wheeze and squeak and cry. My belly hurts.

And then, I got to see the kiddos.

Han was moving too damn fast for me to get a good pic, but I did spend some time working with Evil. She was somewhat unimpressed with me.

"Mother, get this thing off my head IMMEDIATELY."
Han got jealous and took my hand very earnestly, tugging me toward his room (where a 2 year old can escape the little sister who takes up Auntie Jess's attention). I was his  (CRAWL, AUNTIE JESS!) until I had to catch my flight back to toasty warm (upper 30's...it's still Houpocalypse down here: winter hats/scarves/mittens/parkas) Texas. Little dude wore me the hell out...I slept the whole flight.

I saw and spent seriously excellent time with some of my favorite people (but not all...I WILL rectify that on the next trip). People I love deeply and dearly, and whom I miss terribly and think about daily.

Y'all know who you are, dontcha? Sure ya do.

We'll be back up at Christmas...and THAT trip won't be a super secret surprise for anyone...so I'll set up a plan to hang, peeps.

In the meantime, someone buy me the adult plush unicorn balls!!

Friday, November 07, 2014

The Houpocalypse Is Upon Us

Earlier this week I attempted to see whether I could look forward to drowning in a mudpit or roasting in a dust loud during my Saturday morning lead-the-horses-til-my-legs-scream hiking volunteer work.

Apparently there won't be any, since the news site I used indicated the world ends today at 3pm. 

And, there will be no weekend. 

It was nice knowing you, peeps! 

**disclaimer: as of this morning Houston appears to have a forecast through the weekend...we'll see if I make it. 

Also, with over 3" of rain this week, my hiking tomorrow will be more like mudskiing. Who needs Tough Mudder when a girl can get dragged through muddy trails for three hours by a stubborn, bitey horse? 

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Updated for awesome. So...How Many Can I Request??

So, yesterday it occurred to me that elevators are a veritable buffet of potential hotness. 

I mean really, firefighters at the push of a button*? 

*I KNOW the button is for firefighters' use, not an awesome Bat signal for buff heroic types of either sex. 

**this is not a real post. But I'm back: real posts commencing forthwith! 

UPDATE: my super awesome cool EMT friend gave me the following fabulous tale from her career, and has graciously allowed me to add it to this post. Because apparently the appeal of a hot firefighter never goes away. 

"Okay my friend, settle in while I tell you my favorite "hot fireman" story. So, once upon a time, on one of my long paramedic shifts, and on one of the hottest days of the summer, my partner and I were called to the top floor of the local senior housing. The patient was an adorable, very elderly woman who was having enough respiratory distress that meant she needed to go to the hospital soon. We placed her on the cot, hooked her up to everything, and just then, the power went out. No A/C, no lights and most importantly, no elevator.

We called for the fire department, who promptly arrived and in a show of well-oiled manliness, hoisted the cot, the patient and all of the equipment upon their shoulders and proceeded to carry her down the 8 flights of stairs. At the landing just before the second flight, she leaned over, winked, and in the sweetest voice sang out, "You know? I just LOVE men, don't you?"'

Thanks Jarvis. I am ever in awe of your cool.