Tuesday, November 26, 2013

SyFy's Next Sharknado: CARNICORN!

Because who the fuck wouldn't watch a bad Saturday night movie with a flesh-eating-attack-unicorn?? People, it's goddamned genius: the ultimate symbol of innocence and purity ravaging a city with impalement carnagey death.  Somebody who's not me and can actually write scripts: get on that shit.

I wonder if the Snakipeder Army could defend against Carnicorn...hmm.

Also, the fundamental difference in my dogs' personalities are most evident during the early morning's first pee rituals. This is a daily occurrence and does not deviate by season, time of morning, weather, or my location (sometimes if it's cold or rainy or I'm lazy I just stand in the doorway and put them on the extendo-leash instead of going outside. Stop judging me.)

Thor: sidle quietly up to my right side from behind me (so I have to turn away from the door to put the leash on) and nimbly trot out the door. Sniff all the things in the entire radius of the leash's available square footage. Pull the leash-holder as hard as possible to eke out an additional foot or two to the sniff radius. Eat poop if available and tasty (this depends on which dog's turn it is to be first to pee in the morning, as fairness requires taking turns). Make seven back-and-forth passes in a line to find the ideal pee spot. Pee while watching everything in the area as a silent but alert awkward statue. Take final sniffs of the air in all four directions, just in case. Watch silently if a car/person walks by. Bark only if another dog is within line-of-sight. Return to the house for breakfast. Wait patiently for Chewy to finish fucking around so the bowls are filled. Eat breakfast while growling and keeping one eye on Chewy for any theft attempts. Retreat to the couch. Nap.

Chewy: lie in front of the sliding door like a large fluffy rug, wait for the leash to be attached. Fall through the open space in a clumsy trip down the step to the patio. WA-WOO loudly upon exiting the home, to formally announce the presence of THE MAN in the yard. Proceed with tail up in flag-formation to all areas of the leash radius and WA-WOO in all directions, including toward the house. Watch a leaf blow by: wa-woo at it. Pee. Wrap self around the fire-pit in the yard and look confusedly at the back door for help from leash-holder. Unwrap self from fire-pit. WA-WOO toward the neighbors' yard to announce FREEDOM. Squat and poop. Take a 1/2 step forward. Poop again. Another step: poop. Leave a line of turds as a potential trail back to the house. Check for squirrels/rabbits/shrews/ravens in all trees/bushes/under the step on the patio. WA-WOO at any creature disturbed by investigation. Should any person, truck, dog, or debris pass line of sight, dance in place, growl and bark as ferociously as possible while stepping in the fresh poop pile you just left behind for Thor to eat. WA-WOO repeatedly while cantering back to the patio and pushing leash-holder aside to barrel into the living room. Chase Thor in the room before the leash is unsnapped. Wreak havoc. Eat breakfast. Return to the window and WA-WOO at any changes in the yard since coming in. Nap.

Monday, November 25, 2013

This Is Not A Post: NOW READ THIS

I have a post in-progress of a story I'm working on...but to be honest there was too much wine Doctor Who shenanigans last weekend and I didn't get it finished.

In the meantime, I spent quite a bit of time yesterday drooling over books reading at Barnes & Noble yesterday, and while Husband finished a very long graphic novel I read Allie Brosh's Hyperbole and a Half book.

You guys, it's fucking AWESOME. If you have any interest in Allie's blog, you MUST pick this one up. It was totally worth the wait.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Bravery Isn't Lack of Fear: It's Action Despite Fear

The Huffington Post had an article today titled The 8 Bravest Things I Ever Said. I'm intrigued.

I have to say I disagree with snarking at people parked in a handicapped zone unless you know 100% that said person isn't handicapped AND they don't have a placard. Plenty of nosy-nannies snark at people who have every right to park in handicapped parking just because they don't "look" handicapped (I presume that means in their pea-brain functioning that only someone in a wheelchair or with a cane requires close-to-the-door parking). There are other reasons (not always physically evident) for people to park there.

Regardless of my rant, I like the concept of this one. For me, the bravest things I've SAID have been the unequivocal "yes" and "no" depending on the situation.

Yes means allowing yourself to risk, to love, to give fully, to experience new things at the risk of great failure. I said yes to my husband. I said yes to my dogs, to traveling (alone in some cases) to all sorts of weird and cool places. I've recognized the potential of jobs (even as stepping stones) and taken chances on them: in a few cases I discovered they were horrible long-term decisions, but they still forced growth. I'm an introvert, so I have to consciously choose to say "yes" to a lot of things when my first reaction is to hide and say no. I like the idea of choosing a few things that scare the hell out of me to do in a year: it's how I got published, it's how I eventually screw up the courage to do the things I know will be good for me in the long run.

No means recognizing your limits. Enough, after all, is enough, and it takes a shit-ton of bravery to DO something about a situation when you know it isn't right. It takes bravery to follow your inner voice when it says "dude, that's a terrible idea" and you know that voice is right. Change is remarkably difficult: we are, after all, creatures of habit. It's so terribly easy to stay in a miserable relationship, job, life situation because you already know how to cope with it. Saying "no" to that situation and starting a new one is an unknown: it's a risk. And it's really fucking brave to say "that's enough, I won't be this way/be treated this way/be this miserable" and move on.

My top 3 bravest moments to date (those which have utterly changed my path):

1) Marrying my husband. Until I met him I never wanted to get married because I never wanted to share that much of myself with anyone. It's been an interesting up and down ride for the past decade that has changed me for the better in many ways.

2) Going to Ireland on my own. 100% life changing adventure that scared the shit out of me and proved a great many things to myself. Falling utterly in love with the country helped.

3) Submitting my writing for public consumption (via this blog, magazines, stories, and the ever-elusive novel I need to finish).

What are YOUR top 3?

Friday, November 08, 2013

I Have No Good Title For This

Since I'm lacking any full-post-worthy (sigh, I wrote that as "worty" at first...which is both gross AND makes me think of herbs...and beer) items I give you a bunch of random crap.

1) I saw Ender's Game. No, I'm not sorry about seeing a movie based on a book that deals with issues like blind hatred and genocide written by a man who purportedly hates homosexuals. I find the irony intriguing. Also, it's a movie. Shrug.

Chewy is unimpressed. In general. 

3) A co-worker just regaled me with the story of her attempt to buy her grandson shoes from Adidas.com. The shoes that arrived from Adidas.com, in the Adidas.com box, were old filthy worn men's shoes. That stunk. Adidas.com's response "I'm sorry that happened to you." REALLY?? Your employee took off his OWN SMELLY SHOES, put them in a box and shipped them instead of the new ones purchased and that's all you can say? Fail. 

4) In an established tradition, Groupon is advertising the oddest shit to me. In today's email: 
  • Custom Spray Tans (does Groupon know I'm pasty scandahoovian northerner?)
  • Princess Diana THE MUSICAL (I...seriously, what the fuck??)
  • Tandem Sky Dive Jumps (again, trying to kill me)
  • Boudoir Photo Shoot (maybe this goes with the custom spray tans)
5) I apologize for the random crappiness of this post. I'm fairly unamusing today, as it's Friday and my brain is utterly burnt out (through my eyeballs) after staring at a Cobal computer screen for the past few weeks at work. I'll have something entertaining tomorrow. 

Monday, November 04, 2013

And So, I Embrace Google's Opinion Me

Remember how everyone tells me their sex and relationship issues? Did you know my husband is moving to Texas for 11 months next year for school (I am not, for financial and practical reasons...meaning, I'd like to keep my job until I get to the point they'll let me work from home full time, I can't afford to commute between MN and TX weekly, and we'll likely move when he's done with school anyway)? Did you know back in the day (ie 2005 and earlier) I sold "Romance products" through one of those in-home party gigs?

This all goes together, I swear. 

I've decided to re-start my sex toy romance business. I need something to keep me occupied while he's in school...and you know, a way to help PAY for school. Plus, I have no shame and thoroughly encourage people to have healthy fun sex lives. I think it's important to well-being in a long-term relationship.

I won't advertise here after this post, although I may share entertaining stories here and there. After all, I have a reputation to uphold with Google Ads (because I'm lewd). But if you're interested, you can find the business on Facebook at www.facebook.com/shadowayn
My Party Gals website (for products, booking online parties, and likely some immature giggles): www.partygals.biz/shadowayn or www.tabooessentials.com/shadowayn

And finally, to coincide with the toy business I decided to pair it with an advice column: http://shadowaynlove.blogspot.com. I'd love some guest-posts there, my bloggy friends!

Are you sensing a theme? 

Back to NaNoWriMo. Because I'm clearly attempting to kill myself with all the THINGS to do.

PS: I sort of find my labeling scheme amusing today.