I need a weekend from my weekend.

I'm supposed to be working on a couple of book reviews today, and I'm fairly distracted. The writing conference yesterday was both awesomely educational and horribly disheartening, and while I have some helpful suggestions from an agent, working on non-fic is easier today. Therefore, tying up some loose ends and finding some ideas to pitch to magazines is on the docket, which means looking through the notes on my phone. I swear that's not a non-sequitur: smartphones are both awesome and dangerous for someone who has random ideas and conversations, because sometimes I go back and wonder what the hell I wanted to remember. 

So, because a glance of notes in my phone made me chuckle (titles only): 

"Hey! Don't knock Boones Farm. When you're poor in high school that's all you can afford." Said at a family gathering recently by one of my relatives who would never have admitted to drinking in high school when I was a teenager. Of course, that not only means she's always been fun and trouble, but also that I'm old.  

Quilters Dark Web: assassination orders, prohibited patterns, quilting a hellmouth portal... Oh yeah, there's a story in this. It's in my "pending attention" list. 

Lickubus - like succubus/incubus who snacks I have no appropriate explanation for this. Some of my conversations are astounding. 

Crotchless snowpants Came from the same convo as Lickubus. I wish I could remember if the two were related or some sort of weird progression...because I feel like a "bus" of any sort would be ALL ABOUT crotchless snowpants. 

"The Freckly Princess" by Godfried Bomans I'm bummed to discover I can't find this in English. I keep random books/authors in a list on my notes, so I don't lose them when I'm hanging out at Barnes & Noble. 

Dad's sloppy joes recipe Oh yeah!! YUM! DAd's secret to delicious Sloppy Joes is a can of Campbells Chicken Gumbo soup instead of anything ishy like Manwich. Ketchupy Joes and meat loaf make me gag: this is so much better. 

"Ta to cuid anois" = you're hers now Yeah. Not sure if that was kept as a threat or promise. Thanks, iphone. 

EvilRocks! Truth. Not sure why that's in my notes, but it's completely true. She DOES rock. And lately, she'd respond with "Yupper!"

Mt. Hekla in Iceland: gateway to hell Well, either that's part of the to-see list or a story location. Let's go with both. 

I have no decent explanation for any of this, except that my brain is a weird one; luckily so are the brains of my closest friends and family. 

Nothing Makes My Day Quite Like Han

Last week was filled with extremes of both joy and misery for me. I am reminded that I can only fix things I have control over, and I only have control over my own motivations and reactions. In the midst of the emotional roller coaster, I received the following set of pictures.

We are celebrating the arrival of Han's brand spankin' new sister (who really needs a Blog name..."Han" isn't Han's real name either), and all of the family is trying to make sure big brother gets attention as well.

Normally I'd caption these, but they truly need no caption at all. There is nothing that captures the adorableness of happy exploration quite as excellently as Han, chasing bubbles.

I seriously miss that kid.

Bored Sheep Farmers vs Ohio State Marching Band. Shepherds WIN.

Remember the super cool college football marching band that made itself into a T-Rex that ate a dude?

Wait. Read that sentence again.

My life is fucking weird.

Anyway, this?

Well. I do believe a group of really bored sheep farmers (aka shepherds) with some astounding choreography (and engineering) skills and really well trained sheepdogs have one-upped these kids. I mean...the title of this is "Extreme Sheep Herding" for crying out loud...

In other news, my life is weird and NOWHERE near as interesting as these. I think these dudes need to do the choreography for my next bellydance class.

This Is Not A Post: NOW READ THIS

I have a post in-progress of a story I'm working on...but to be honest there was too much wine Doctor Who shenanigans last weekend and I didn't get it finished.

In the meantime, I spent quite a bit of time yesterday drooling over books reading at Barnes & Noble yesterday, and while Husband finished a very long graphic novel I read Allie Brosh's Hyperbole and a Half book.

You guys, it's fucking AWESOME. If you have any interest in Allie's blog, you MUST pick this one up. It was totally worth the wait.

Bravery Isn't Lack of Fear: It's Action Despite Fear

The Huffington Post had an article today titled The 8 Bravest Things I Ever Said. I'm intrigued.

I have to say I disagree with snarking at people parked in a handicapped zone unless you know 100% that said person isn't handicapped AND they don't have a placard. Plenty of nosy-nannies snark at people who have every right to park in handicapped parking just because they don't "look" handicapped (I presume that means in their pea-brain functioning that only someone in a wheelchair or with a cane requires close-to-the-door parking). There are other reasons (not always physically evident) for people to park there.

Regardless of my rant, I like the concept of this one. For me, the bravest things I've SAID have been the unequivocal "yes" and "no" depending on the situation.

Yes means allowing yourself to risk, to love, to give fully, to experience new things at the risk of great failure. I said yes to my husband. I said yes to my dogs, to traveling (alone in some cases) to all sorts of weird and cool places. I've recognized the potential of jobs (even as stepping stones) and taken chances on them: in a few cases I discovered they were horrible long-term decisions, but they still forced growth. I'm an introvert, so I have to consciously choose to say "yes" to a lot of things when my first reaction is to hide and say no. I like the idea of choosing a few things that scare the hell out of me to do in a year: it's how I got published, it's how I eventually screw up the courage to do the things I know will be good for me in the long run.

No means recognizing your limits. Enough, after all, is enough, and it takes a shit-ton of bravery to DO something about a situation when you know it isn't right. It takes bravery to follow your inner voice when it says "dude, that's a terrible idea" and you know that voice is right. Change is remarkably difficult: we are, after all, creatures of habit. It's so terribly easy to stay in a miserable relationship, job, life situation because you already know how to cope with it. Saying "no" to that situation and starting a new one is an unknown: it's a risk. And it's really fucking brave to say "that's enough, I won't be this way/be treated this way/be this miserable" and move on.

My top 3 bravest moments to date (those which have utterly changed my path):

1) Marrying my husband. Until I met him I never wanted to get married because I never wanted to share that much of myself with anyone. It's been an interesting up and down ride for the past decade that has changed me for the better in many ways.

2) Going to Ireland on my own. 100% life changing adventure that scared the shit out of me and proved a great many things to myself. Falling utterly in love with the country helped.

3) Submitting my writing for public consumption (via this blog, magazines, stories, and the ever-elusive novel I need to finish).

What are YOUR top 3?

Fit by 40: Navy Seal Style

So I just turned 36, and am now officially looking at 40. In all my 36 years I can't say I've ever been in any sort of decent physical shape. That's not me whining about my looks or fishing for compliments: that's me being honest. I've always carried at least 20 extra pounds and have tried every damn diet possible...for a day or two. More importantly, I'm a pretty lazy individual: I teach Belly Dance sometimes and sporadically walk, but I'm not in shape. Hell, I stopped kickboxing because I can't make it through a class yet (I'll be going back as soon as I can do 30 minutes of hard cardio, like running, without passing out...nearly there).

So, why not make myself a serious challenge with specific goals, instead of the ever-nebulous "I want to be healthier" attitude? I figure I have four years to hit my goal, which is:

To be able to pass the minimum physical fitness standards for entrance into the Navy Seals.

No, I don't want to be a Seal (also, I'm WAY too old...and, you know, not in the military). But I'd LOVE to be able to say I could pass the PT exam before I'm 40.

This is the last post I'll put on No Pithy Phrase about it, because NPP isn't a workout journal and I don't want it to turn into one. But to keep myself honest I will be trying to blog about it some (I find the stupid workout trackers on my phone/daily planners/etc don't work for shit to keep me going). Those posts will end up here: SassLoss. Feel free to read and comment at will.

A Snippet of Paganism - Feel Free to Skip This Post

So, I read a LOT of Spirituality, Religion, and Mythology texts: Wiccan, Pagan, Christian (although the "begat" section of the Bible is irritating, and the King James version is just terrible...it was heavily edited for "decency" and there are much better, more complete, versions out there), Hindu, Ancient Egyptian, Sumerian, Celtic...yeah. It's a long list people.

Anyway, I found the equivalent of the Wiccan Rede* or the 10 Commandments* when reading about Norse Paganism* (there are a few varieties) the other day. I thought it was interesting...so I'm sharing. Like I said, if this bores the crap out of you or offends, feel free to ignore this post. Townhome Twits returns tomorrow.

Disclaimer: I'm in no way, shape, or form any sort of expert on Heathenism, Odinism, Astaru, or any other Norse based Paganism (or any religion, really). These are my current interpretations: if you ARE an expert, feel free to elaborate. I'm always interested.

And so: the "Nine Noble Virtues" (with my personal...severely boiled-down for space...definitions added):

1. Courage: Everyone is scared. Many people allow fear to rule their actions, instead of pushing through the fear and fighting it back, and so they stay stuck. "Luck will often find a man, should his courage hold." Bulwyf, The 13th Warrior
2. Truth: I actually see Truth and Honor as hand-in-hand virtues: Honesty in words and intentions is important: a liar is untrustworthy.   
3. Honor: If you give your word, keep it. Act with honorable intent and treat others respect. Even when it's really fucking difficult. Honor is in actions and results, the way Truth is measured in words and results.
4. Fidelity: Loyalty to your family (and I mean the loosest and most important definition of family: the family you CHOOSE. That can include blood relations or not: the people deeply important to you are family).
5. Discipline: Control of yourself (physical, emotional, rational) prevents others from controlling you, but it takes consistency and work.
6. Hospitality: NEVER turn away someone in need. You don't know when you'll be on the one needing. Cautious generosity and kindness are often returned in kind, and you never know who that person is that needs it.
7. Industriousness: Nothing in this world is free: that which seems free has a cost somewhere. Work. Work your ass off. CONTRIBUTE somehow to the tribe. Laziness gets nothing done and provides no value to yourself or your tribe (and I use "tribe" loosely here, as it could mean your family, your friends, your coworkers, your society, your country, your Earth).
8. Self-Reliance: YOU are responsible for your survival and success. Period.
9. Perseverance: You can give up, after you die. Pretty simple, really.

I actually think quite a lot about these 9 virtues. They make sense to me in many ways (although I do have some trouble with #5 and #7...laziness is a personal vice of mine...sigh), and combine well with the idea that the energy you expend is what you'll get back (spread kindness, you'll likely see it returned. Don't believe me? Smile at everyone you see tomorrow and say hello).

That led me to the Astaru Folk Assembly's variation of the Nine Virtues (also found on the Wiki link), with which I agree completely EXCEPT for #9.

1. Strength is better than weakness
2. Courage is better than cowardice
3. Joy is better than guilt
4. Honour is better than dishonour
5. Freedom is better than slavery
6. Kinship is better than alienation
7. Realism is better than dogmatism
8. Vigor is better than lifelessness
9. Ancestry is better than universalism  Not for me. I think humans are the same everywhere: there are compassionate ones, nasty one, selfish ones, beautiful ones, ugly ones, generous ones, violent ones, peaceful ones, dramatic ones, practical ones...and every other description you can probably think of, everywhere in the world

This post isn't some big revelation, nor is it an attempt to convert anyone. I think the similarities between world religions are fascinating, and so I shared. Feel free to leave opinions in the comments.



*Yes. I used Wikipedia as my sources. Why? Because it is non-religious and as equally objective (and really, as fact-based as possible when looking at 3 completely different religions) as I could find. Feel free to research further if you choose: there about 10 quadrizillion websites and book on Wicca, Paganism, Norse Paganism, and Christianity out there. And that's probably a low estimate.

Snakipeder Defense League: ACTIVATE!

So this showed up on Facebook today.

thanks, J.H.Heimdal's Facebook page

And of course my IMMEDIATE reaction was to consider the value of a Viking Squirrel Horde, preferably in full Berserker mode, to send into the crawlspace under my house.

To attack and kill the Snakipeder(s) under there.

Because I planted a container vegetable garden on my back patio and seeded the dead space on the back lawn, and I STILL HAVE NO OUTSIDE WATER.

Because I'm a 6' chicken, that's why. I can face down human bullies all day, but I'm not going anywhere near any snake/centipede/spider things.

I'm not metal, so no, you can't call me Beyonce. She lives at The Bloggess's house.

WOOHOO!!!

This isn't a post. This is a goddamn celebration.

Allie Brosh is back!!!

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com

Go forth and read her new posts immediately. They're funny, and awkward, and in my opinion utterly spot-on when it comes to dealing with deep depression.

I'm so ridiculously happy she's back!

I'll have a post tomorrow. Promise.

Cancer is more important than duckface.

I found this today via CNN.com, and I'm so very impressed and inspired I had to share.

This kid found a 100% accurate (via blind testing on a human population) test to detect pancreatic, ovarian, and lung cancers. Pancreatic and Ovarian cancers are (per my gyno) difficult if not impossible to detect early, which makes them seriously deadly.

A 15 year old did it, and he did it in such a way that the test costs $0.03. THREE CENTS. He's so right: the interwebz is a powerful tool that can be just fantastic.

Or it can be used for duckface pictures.

I Am Not Resolute, Bitches!

I'm wholly unfunny this week, partially due to the chest cold from hell which forced me to not-sleep on the couch one night (as opposed to not-sleeping in bed) so Husband could get SOME shut-eye. He's back to work full time, and I'm currently unemployed, therefore in all fairness he needed sleep more than me.

I attempted to create a cohesive, real post out of the random bits of snark I'd collected, but Blogger ate my post. Asshole. So I'm starting over and screw any literary idealism.

• All the cold drugs I took did NOTHING for the goddamn cough, but they did make me dream of polar bears ripping my house apart while chasing me. I woke up just before they ate my head.
• I'm greatly unimpressed by my fucked up subconscious, which should've been dreaming about Gerard Butler naked instead of killer goddamned polar bears digging through my floor to eat my head. WTF??
• Chewy is now on notice that if he turns all Jess-a-cidal he'll quickly find himself turned into a rug. He responded with an adoring stare and snuggling, which I suspect is his sneaky ploy. 
• "Omnomnomnom" and all variations thereof should be banned. WHAT THE FUCK. This is the linguistic equivalent of chewing with your fucking mouth open in public. Ish. That is all.
• Lifetime-television-for-vaginas has a new show about BRA FITTINGS. Really Lifetime? Sigh. I'll admit there are certain times of the month when I need a little ridiculous drama, but BRA FITTINGS? Because being in fitting room with the hellish sallow light and magnifying glass mirrors isn't horrid enough.
• New Year's Resolutions. I am neither resolute NOR do I consider 1/1 the beginning of my year. Resolutions are often silly, shallow attempts to feel better after a month of alcohol and chocolate. I CELEBRATE my alcohol and chocolate overindulgence, and have no guilt.

HOWEVER. I do wish to grow and learn in general, because I'm not dead nor am I a zombie (SURPRISE, the apocalypse didn't happen) as of 12/22. Now I have maxed out credit cards, a trip to Timbuktu to plan, and that $200k loan from a dude called "Shorty" from that bar...shit...

It's possible cold meds are distracting and cause odd tangents.

Anyway...shit I've considered/worked on since November.

• Use a different curse word each week. I've had lazy in my linguistic abilities lately, and it's unacceptable to me to allow my vocabulary suffer from lack of imagination. Since I firmly believe cursing has its place, I need to work on expanding my usage from George Carlin's seven. (PS: Titts IS my husband's nickname, so I'm always amused.)
• This week: "fucktwat."
• Eleanor Roosevelt said "Do something that scares you every day." I'd love to say this is one of my goals, but let's be honest here: I'm FAR too lazy to attempt to do something EVERY DAY. 365 scary new things might make my brainpan implode.
•  I am, however, trying to say "yes" to opportunities more, particularly if they make me nervous. We'll see how those work out as they appear, and I recognize this is a way to encompass all possible goals into one bullet point. I'm a cunning linguist.
• So I got a gun for the holidays and am going to try to improve my target skills (my best shot so far was the crotch of the dude on the '80's bad guy paper target).
• I suppose I should include finding a job, since I'm currently unemployed (contract ended 12/31) and though my boss said an offer was coming I've yet to see it. But I'm fairly unconcerned at this point, and am having ROME and Lord of the Rings marathons.

 Since I've lost this post twice now, I'm quitting while I'm ahead and have fully-formed saved sentences.

Fucktwat. I may have to keep that one going an extra week, just because it makes me giggle every time.

Groupon is making me fat...and other random crap

My time in the hospital inappropriately jump-started a new diet plan (hey, I lost 12 pounds in that first two weeks and it's stayed off...might as well get SOMETHING good out of this shit!). I find the following Groupon really annoying, now that I'm making a conscious effort to eat better and do some sort of sweating activity.



Groupon hates my weight loss!


Screw you Groupon, I'm not eating your damn cake and I'm pretty sick of the Zumba coupons. So there. Poor marketing! Bring back the Conceal and Carry discount. Or martial arts. Or even aerial yoga, which I'm DYING to try when I've lost enough weight that I won't bring the ceiling down...and it arrives in MN (generally we're years behind the coasts in any trend) if you MUST give me something I'd classify as girly.

In the meantime, I've been wasting time today on www.etsy.com today, because buying from small artisans is like buying from local businesses: I've found it's often far better. Not always, but often.

I found THIS FABULOUSNESS today, and am planning to scare the bejesus out of the neighborhood kids with my lawn as soon as possible. Go forth, zombie lovers, and make YOUR lawn disturbing. Just in time for Halloween!

Of course, that brought me to other Halloween-type etsy crafts, which brought me to the Poe/Raven Print that I utterly covet for my office. It's finally getting chilly and dark in the evenings, and it smells like dying leaves and impending winter. Time for my annual Lovecraft and Poe reading marathon...modern horror just can't compete.

PS: Spellchecker doesn't recognize "bejesus" or "girly" (never mind Groupon or etsy, which are made up words anyway). I'm amused.

UPDATED: Thanks to The Bloggess I also now MUST have the Weeping Angel from Amazon. Except I'll have to buy two. And make them face each other.

Just in case.

My Middle Name? Definitely not THAT.

Have I mentioned I'm not a terribly patient person? Yeah. I'm not.   I have no intention of turning this blog into a medical-world-recovery diary, but it's likely to creep in here and there...

The way people react to a crisis is fascinating, and if I wasn't in the midst of one I'd likely be really interested in dissecting all the weird little peccadillo's that surface. Someday later I may do exactly that, because it's ASTOUNDING what sort of idiot dramas, petty fights, intentional exaggerations for attention, and territorial snarkiness all pop up when someone with a lot of acquaintances is hurt. Luckily, 99% of people mean well, and I definitely remember that. :)

Instead, I'm saying "fuck off" to being patient with all the drama and stress and writing about shit that's distracted me this week.

• I've determined that all family/loved ones/friends seating in a hospital are somehow designed to get you to move on after approximately 23 minutes.
• 23 minutes is the average amount of time it takes my ass to fall asleep in the incredibly uncomfortable chair in Husband's room. Yes, I do mean an average...some days when he's napping I time it. Because I'm mental that way.
• I'm quite sick of pudding.
• Yesterday it occurred to me that in the past three weeks there has been a near-constant stream of non-husband-men (and a few women) in my house at odd times of the day. I wonder what my neighbors think. 
• Particularly the neighbor across the driveway from us, who believes he's an ex-CIA agent and spies on the entire neighborhood with scopes and night-vision-goggles. I've mentioned him before: he's the peeping dude.
• Well, my next-door neighbors probably think "that's the birdkiller's house!" only in Spanish, which I'm far too lazy to translate here.
•  In finding the old peeping post I looked at a bunch of really stupid post titles and have come to the following conclusions: 
• I liked the word "abounds" WAY TOO MUCH
• I'm significantly better at coming up with titles now. 
• My blog was totally inane for a long time (honestly, it still is, but at least I'm occasionally better at pointing out the funny/stupid/inane crap now).
• I did have a couple good ideas in there, like Monster Mondays and stuff...you know, themes and shit (instead of the chaotic random word-flailing I'm doing now). Seriously considering starting some of them again.
• Which requires actual thoughtful writing.
• Which I think I'm ready to start doing again (without having a meltdown, I mean).  

 I'll try to create a real post over the weekend. Promise.

"I rather like my lady bits - certainly enough so that I don't want to purposefully electrocute them."

Apparently some of those shoes/stuff/clothing "membership" sites (which are really just another way to fill your inbox with crap you'll rarely buy but are fabulous time-wasters at work) also hock discount "personal massagers."

Discount sex toys. DISCOUNT.

My good friend recently signed up on a clothing-membership site. For clothes. Today she said "Why am I being stalked by sex toys?" after receiving an ad from said website for discount massagers. Incidentally, this is the same friend who drove past a discarded pink dildo lying in the street by her house.

Let's explore the reasons this is ridiculous, shall we?

1) When a girl signs up for shoe/purse/dress ads, she expects to get shoe and dress ads. Since when are vibrators and dildos considered essential wardrobe items? Granted, they could be considered an accessory... if they weren't, why create lipstick-tube-sized vibrators you can keep in your purse for those "I'm so bored/horny I may as well do this" occasions? But still...not your standard wardrobe essential.

2) Why IS she being stalked by toys? Is the universe trying to tell her something rude and pornographic? Is God suggesting she get it on more? Is someone trying to drop not-so-subtle hints? I suppose she'll never know, but it does provide a shitton of baffled amusement, so that's something.

3) Three things you never ever want to hear about your personal appliances: Secondhand, Refurbished, and Discount. First two have an EWW factor so high...all I can say is if you buy used toys you likely deserve what you get. Sorry, but common sense people. Common sense.

Discount implies there's something wrong with said toy, so I said who wants defective electrical near their hoo-ha? (Why do I feel a sudden foreboding, like I just opened a can of BDSM potential I can't possibly want to read? Please don't answer either of those questions...)

She responded with "that's pretty much where the opinion that discount vibrators are not the way to go begins with me, yeah. I rather like my lady bits - certainly enough so that I don't want to purposefully electrocute them. I'm just not the kind of girl who's generally up for self-genital-mutilation. I mean, nothing else - clean up's a bitch."

Indeed.

PS: spellchecker doesn't recognize "Massagers," "shitton," or "hoo-ha" as words. Mwahahaha.
PPS: Thanks to you peeps who provided me with fabulous blog fodder today. :)

"Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition."

 “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” Steve Jobs, Stanford commencement speech, 2005.

I've seen this quote pop up on a few of my favorite blogs lately, and regardless of your view of Steve Jobs as a businessman or visionary, I really don't see how anyone can argue the man was inspiring. Not only did he build and head one of the most successful companies of our time (hey, I said ONE of), he chose not to jump through the hoops everybody said he should do first. He took Frost's road less traveled indeed, successfully.

Then he proved that life is short.

Sure, it's never too late to follow your big dream and stuff, but it's also the perfect time to start, isn't it?