Friday, September 30, 2016

Fortune Favors the Weird

So, I collect "interesting" fortune cookie fortunes. I don't put "in bed" on the end when I read them out loud...mostly because I've gotten some impressively awful ones over the years.

If you're feeling down, try throwing yourself into your work. Or anywhere other than work, because what the fuck will make you feel LESS happy when you're depressed than drowning in work?? Why not throw yourself into a hot bath with wine and chocolate, or in bed with your significant other, or on the floor with a cuddly dog?

Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance. And good aim when you lose calm, poise, and balance and start throwing things. Not that I throw things. I'm more likely to go to the range or the heavy-bag for an which case I reiterate: good aim.

Deep faith eliminates fear. So does a deep bottle of wine. Just sayin.

If you love something, set it free...if it returns, keep it and love it forever. Unless it's cake. If it's cake, eat it all and enjoy every delicious bite, because who knows when you'll get cake again?

BLANK I've gotten no less than three blank fortunes. It's the universe warning me about the zombie apocalypse, I'm sure. See? WHO KNOWS when you'll get cake again?

Cookies go stale. Fortunes are forever. WELL. That's not ominous at all.

All things have an end. As if the blank fortunes needed to be clearer in their DOOM DOOM DOOM messaging...

Fortune Not Found: Abort, Retry, Ignore? FUCKING REALLY?? REALLY??

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

3 Days in the Debauchery Den

Yesterday, I went on a tour of the Hoover Dam. The tour guide on the bus gave us all sorts of nifty Vegas facts, including the following: Las Vegas Boulevard (aka the Strip) is the lowest point of the valley. 

No. Doubt. 

So, my first time in the Sodom and Gomorrah of the United States involved only mild debauchery, because I"m cheap and don't drink I spent my money on important things (like...massage, and entertainment of the not-hooker variety).

1) I'm pretty sure after landing we taxied back from NV to LAX.

2) The cab driver warned me that EVERYONE gets lost walking up and down the strip, and here's helpful map websites, and everyone gets lost in the casinos so don't panic here's helpful map websites of the interiors. Honestly, she was pretty awesome for that 15 minutes I was in the car.

3) It's probably helpful that I spend occasional time in the local big casinos at home, because while it's just as noisy and people-ful, the place I stayed was not overwhelmingly more than any other casino.

4) Starbucks is 2x the price at home. Sigh.

5) I discovered Vegas is JUST LIKE Renaissance Festival after hours, only more hygienic. I was walking the resort complex at 9:15 in the morning on my first day and not 10 minutes after leaving my room was propositioned by a Brit who wanted one last American fling before he flew home.  He was pretty cute, and way too young for me, and bolder than I'd be used to had I not seen his type before. He amusingly went from charming to crude to absently wandering away. Turns out training with drunk dirty festies is excellent for deflecting "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" attitudes with humor.

6) Tour guide lady, Jeannie (who really was fucking AWESOME: hilarious and snarky) said the correct answer to "what did you do in Vegas" is "WALK." So true. I wandered and people watched for a good chunk of Monday before the temp hit 100, and found the following tourist categories (locals and workers are easily spotted by their total lack of concern for anything on the strip):

  • Dazed, overwhelmed, and terrified to be robbed. They shamble along the strip, tired and dehydrated, clutching their purses with a death grip and staring wide eyed at the spectacle that is the Vegas resort lineup. Often seen desperately trying to figure out just how far it REALLY is from the MGM to the Bellagio (and can we really walk there) on their phones. 
  • Drunk at 10am. Death grip is on the beer/wine/mixed drink in their hand, and they stumble more than shamble. 
  • The attentive. People watchers, comfortable taking in sights without looking constantly at maps. Not gripping purses or bags, but watching carefully and entertained by the variety. 
7) Met a charming couple from Pennsylvania on the strip. They were in their late 60's and thought I looked like their granddaughter a little, who is 10 years younger than me, so bonus. We were sharing a resting bench for a few minutes. They told me all about their bum son in law and teenagers in their neighborhood being too lazy to mow/shovel. It was thoroughly fun, and they did not steal my wallet. 

8) The tour bus driver's son had heart surgery at the Mayo clinic this year. Because I'm a listener. 

9) There is a gun range here where I can shoot sniper rifles, machine guns, and a GRENADE LAUNCHER. I'm coming back, just for that. 

10) A very slim and stacked goth Elvira look alike wandered through the casino last night. I wondered how much double stick tape she had keeping that dress on her boobs. Honestly, Elvira did it better, but it was a really decent attempt. 

11) GAME OF THRONES slot machine. 

12) Emeril's. YUM. 

13) NOT the Colicchio stakehouse. $250 for a fucking 8oz steak is just way the hell outside even a powerball budget for me, on principle alone. Ugh. 

14) Spa. It's the single really girly thing I do, particularly if on vacation and can justify the expense. I justified the expense. I'm sore, and it was an excellent afternoon. 

15) Hoover Dam. I looked over the edge. It's a great place to feel very small in the world, and while I admire the feat itself a little part of me is sad at the taming of a river so wild everyone said it was untameable. Then again, I enjoy that my parents in LA have water and that irrigation from the Colorado via the Dam's help provides a huge amount of food in this country. Also, because I'm a total nerd I DID walk from Nevada to Arizona and back again on the bridge. OF COURSE I took pictures. 

16) POOL. Because I'm a pasty scandahoovian, and after 2.5 days I'm peopled out, so sun and water and reading is the thing this afternoon. 

17) Tonight I'll dress up and see a show (there's a Cirque show in the hotel), and tomorrow I'm going home. 

I seriously cannot imagine how anyone could spend a whole week here - in three days I spent way more than normal. But, if the deal is right I'd also totally come back and take another tour with Jeannie, walk out on that terrifying Grand Canyon glass bottomed bridge, lose some money, fire a grenade launcher, hit up the Shelby experience, and walk until my feet cry. 

Thursday, September 15, 2016

Saving People From The Wrong Dangers: Epic Fail, CDC.

Apparently, the CDC had to issue YET ANOTHER warning to stupid humans who have a penchant for making out with chickens. Oh no, this isn't the first time people have been warned about the dangers of kissing chickens, and that makes me a little sad for the human race. Except, maybe they'll eventually take themselves out of the gene pool.

Because said idiots are catching salmonella by kissing and cuddling chickens and, per the warning, allowing chickens to wander about the house, including in the bedroom.

So...salmonella can now be considered an STD as well as a food-safety illness?

I'd really like to ask what the hell is wrong with people, but I suspect it's the same sort of freaks who try to make out with geese at the Renaissance Festival petting zoo, get bitten, and ask security if they'll get rabies.

Because goose rabies is a thing? Um, no. Also, people who are dumb enough to ask about goose rabies CLEARLY don't know how awful rabies actually is, if they're daring to make out with any creature they think MIGHT carry it. What the actual fuck.

I think we have bigger things to worry about than Darwin candidates who do inappropriate things with fowl.

Like clowns.

Random terrifying clowns who stand on the roadside or TRY TO LURE CHILDREN INTO THE WOODS.

This is actually happening in the Carolinas right now. Even Stephen King is scared of the idea. Now, I'm all for a good terrifying Halloween prank, but I'm a little baffled that the local police are blowing it off when there's the whole luring people-spawn into dark foresty places aspect. Obviously, some supernatural or alien terror is masquerading as clowns...and is really a giant spider in the sewer...wait, um...never mind.

Seriously, instead of going after the creepy creepers dressed as horrifying clown things, the local police appear to be more concerned about the ONE smart guy who went after the clown lurking in his yard with a machete.

I say GO YOU, machete dude. I'd be pretty pissed off to find one of those infernally cheerful creatures of hell in my yard, too...

Where's my machete?

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Be Careful What You Ask For?

Every once in a while, people who aren't COMPLETELY horrified at the stuff I think up wonder where the hell I get some of my story ideas. I had a nifty example today...

While sitting in the girl-doctor's office waiting room, no less (before being mildly annoyed that my appointment was being cancelled via phone while I was in line to check in at the reception desk...sigh), the following thoughts strung themselves together in my brainpan and swirled around awhile.

1) Salt was a much sought-after item in ancient times, and could be quite expensive (it was a serious moneymaker for empires to own salt mines).

2) MANY ancient religious practices and beliefs included acceptance and regular interaction with the supernatural. Ghosts, demons, djinn, fairies, sirens/mermaids, etc.

2) Salt, in ritual, is used for protection against malevolent supernatural/spiritual activity. This is not limited to neo-pagan practices: superstitious people still fling salt over their left shoulder if it's been spilled, to ward off bad luck.

  • If salt was relatively scarce outside of coastal areas or next to salt deposits AND used specifically for warding off demonic possessions, evil ghostly attacks, etc., did stuff like the Exorcist happen more often because every household didn't have salt available for protections?
  • Does that mean wealthy societies now who have salt on the table every day are protected from said attacks?
  • If they ARE...would an apocalypse (zombie or otherwise) result in an increase in possessions/activity as well?

And so, my brain decided that post-apocalyptic survivors would have to deal with demons and the like even within their protections unless they happen to have someone in their new society who can banish and protect them all. And what would THAT look like?

Yeah. That's the shit my head comes up with when I'm bored. Be glad you don't live in here people: it's a weird crowded space...

I write to make room.