Wednesday, October 09, 2013

Cosmic Lost Socks Will Now Be Washed, Fluffed and Folded.

Remember the Soul Retriever?

Apparently she now provides "aura cleansing" as an additional service.

I'm unclear as to whether she cleans the pieces of the soul she retrieves for you, or if she just does an overall swiffering. Personally, I would think any retrieved piece of the soul would need cleansing, because you just don't know where that dirty bit has been. It could've been cavorting with nefarious souls, after all. Or at least, nefarious bits (which are not unlike naughty bits: probably just as much fun but in a non-sexual way).

Is it a deep clean, or a surface rinse that leaves aura-obscuring streaks ?

Does she get all the crannies? What about spider removal? GOOD GODS there could be spiders in my aura...there will be motherfucking nightmares, people.

What about stains (coffee, murder, dog pee, etc)? Does bleaching aural stains hurt, or is it the spiritual equivalent of tooth whitening?

Is this like Merry Maids or some other licensed and bonded cleaning service that randomly breaks dishes, moves shit around so you can't find it again, and leaves your house smelling of lemons?

What does a freshly washed aura smell like? 

DO I WANT TO KNOW THIS SHIT?? I have the urge to submit something from this whole thread of thinking as a short story to one of the 6 contests pending in October. Excellent.


  1. And now, I'm envisioning a woman forcing bits of shimmering air soul slime through an old-time crank washing machine.

    1. That's excellent...and well hello, writing prompt. ;)

  2. Roxie3:40 PM

    No, it's more like going over your aura with a lint roller.

  3. You made me laugh out loud multiple times during this post. I hate con artists like this. Ugh. Bad people -- they know what they are doing/taking from the ones that believe in them.

    I really want to contact her and ask if she's licensed and bonded. I might just have to :)

  4. I have to worry about the heartbreak of dirty soul.


Unload your brainpan, but please prove you're not a Russian spam-bot. Or Skynet. I don't want the T1000 after me.