Well, I Suppose I Asked For It.

Someone found my blog today by searching for this: "how do I put a demon back to hell"

I think I won, but I'm a little worried what the prize would be in this situation. So I'm going back to regularly scheduled silliness. Like THIS (for which I'm unable to find anyone to credit, so if it's you let me know and I'll edit): which is now the background on my laptop.

Because it makes me giggle every damned time I see it.

Yes. Even now while I'm writing this entry.

So I went back to work this week after a lazy, utterly wasted, GLORIOUS month off watching Kevin McKidd on Grey's Anatomy.  It was a four week escape: sleeping, reading, movies, and hiding from the disgusting cold with the dogs. I'm pretty sure I made up for the two months of no-sleep-hospital-stress-extravaganza last fall.

Anyway. I'm back to work now, and my first day went as follows. It's not a typical boring first day (because honestly, why would I want to relive that shit if it was?).

1. Sleep a total of three hours because even though I WORKED THERE FOR SIX MONTHS and it wasn't a "real" first day, apparently my subconscious is a stupid anxiety ball bitch who needs to make me spend the first day of every new endeavor sleep deprived and nauseous.
2. Leave early enough to stop for gas, coffee, and a bank deposit before 8am.
3. Bitch about the injustice that the Wells Fargo drive-through window doesn't open at 7am (the one by my house does, goddammit!).
4. Park a full 20 minutes early. Note, this is nearly an hour earlier than I would NORMALLY go to this job (again, I'd been there six months before getting hired on full time, schedules are flexible at the company, and most people I work with discover quickly that I'm not worth talking to prior to 8:30am anyway).
5. Fuck around on Facebook, Twitter and email in my car. Because waiting in the lobby for 20 minutes is just dumb.
6. Wait in the lobby for 20 minutes anyway because traffic was bad that day.
7. Say hello to multiple co-workers who don't understand why the hell I'm not just going up to my desk (no security badge).
8. Boss arrives, we go up to the new team area (they moved to another floor on my last day).
9. I have no laptop/phone/etc. Boss follows up with IT while I'm in HR doing obligatory passport/ID paperwork and I9 stuff.
10. Return from HR at 9:20.
11. SENT HOME FOR THE REST OF THE DAY because IT won't have a laptop for me until Tuesday, and I'm fired there's nothing I can do without it.
12. Go car shopping with husband. Buy a new (to me) truck. Because what else should a grown woman do on her first day of a new job but go home after an hour and buy a new(ish) car, right?

FYI: I got a laptop Wednesday, which really just means I get to surf the interwebz until I have a project. But I actually love this company and this team and I'm looking forward to working there.

Until I win the powerball.

Or, learn to put a demon back to hell. Apparently that's a needed skillset.

Go Ahead: Call Me Lazypants.

Do you know what happens when I have weeks and weeks off of work between the end of my contract and the beginning of a new position?

NOTHING.

So far:

• I've gotten utterly hooked on the Kevin McKidd episodes of Grey's Anatomy, even though I'd been warned not to get into that show (because goddammit, I'm trying NOT to watch so much TV, and Netflix might just be Beelzebub). Also, WHAT THE FUCK is with hospital shows getting mass shooters and sneaky stabbers rampaging through?? I remember the ER episode where Dr. Carter gets stabbed, people. Anyway, since it's highly unlikely the McKidd will get nekkid in Grey's, I think I'm over that phase. But it took up a good four days of writing time.
• "Walk Like An Egyptian" is no longer a cultural reference. I must be old: one of my beginning bellydance students DIDN'T KNOW THE SONG. Sigh. I'm utterly disappointed. As it turns out, I'm likely not keeping the class I've been teaching for the past year anyway: the rightful teacher would like to come back. But I did enjoy teaching again, and I may have to see if there are other opportunities around...otherwise I'm lazy about dance. I need to be in or be responsible for class.
• I've slept in every day and gone to be early every night. It's fucking AWESOME. That is all.
• I have a stack of new books, six episodes of Once Upon a Time, and a house to clean.

It's possible I'm turning into a hermit. I'm cool like that.

I Am Not Resolute, Bitches!

I'm wholly unfunny this week, partially due to the chest cold from hell which forced me to not-sleep on the couch one night (as opposed to not-sleeping in bed) so Husband could get SOME shut-eye. He's back to work full time, and I'm currently unemployed, therefore in all fairness he needed sleep more than me.

I attempted to create a cohesive, real post out of the random bits of snark I'd collected, but Blogger ate my post. Asshole. So I'm starting over and screw any literary idealism.

• All the cold drugs I took did NOTHING for the goddamn cough, but they did make me dream of polar bears ripping my house apart while chasing me. I woke up just before they ate my head.
• I'm greatly unimpressed by my fucked up subconscious, which should've been dreaming about Gerard Butler naked instead of killer goddamned polar bears digging through my floor to eat my head. WTF??
• Chewy is now on notice that if he turns all Jess-a-cidal he'll quickly find himself turned into a rug. He responded with an adoring stare and snuggling, which I suspect is his sneaky ploy. 
• "Omnomnomnom" and all variations thereof should be banned. WHAT THE FUCK. This is the linguistic equivalent of chewing with your fucking mouth open in public. Ish. That is all.
• Lifetime-television-for-vaginas has a new show about BRA FITTINGS. Really Lifetime? Sigh. I'll admit there are certain times of the month when I need a little ridiculous drama, but BRA FITTINGS? Because being in fitting room with the hellish sallow light and magnifying glass mirrors isn't horrid enough.
• New Year's Resolutions. I am neither resolute NOR do I consider 1/1 the beginning of my year. Resolutions are often silly, shallow attempts to feel better after a month of alcohol and chocolate. I CELEBRATE my alcohol and chocolate overindulgence, and have no guilt.

HOWEVER. I do wish to grow and learn in general, because I'm not dead nor am I a zombie (SURPRISE, the apocalypse didn't happen) as of 12/22. Now I have maxed out credit cards, a trip to Timbuktu to plan, and that $200k loan from a dude called "Shorty" from that bar...shit...

It's possible cold meds are distracting and cause odd tangents.

Anyway...shit I've considered/worked on since November.

• Use a different curse word each week. I've had lazy in my linguistic abilities lately, and it's unacceptable to me to allow my vocabulary suffer from lack of imagination. Since I firmly believe cursing has its place, I need to work on expanding my usage from George Carlin's seven. (PS: Titts IS my husband's nickname, so I'm always amused.)
• This week: "fucktwat."
• Eleanor Roosevelt said "Do something that scares you every day." I'd love to say this is one of my goals, but let's be honest here: I'm FAR too lazy to attempt to do something EVERY DAY. 365 scary new things might make my brainpan implode.
•  I am, however, trying to say "yes" to opportunities more, particularly if they make me nervous. We'll see how those work out as they appear, and I recognize this is a way to encompass all possible goals into one bullet point. I'm a cunning linguist.
• So I got a gun for the holidays and am going to try to improve my target skills (my best shot so far was the crotch of the dude on the '80's bad guy paper target).
• I suppose I should include finding a job, since I'm currently unemployed (contract ended 12/31) and though my boss said an offer was coming I've yet to see it. But I'm fairly unconcerned at this point, and am having ROME and Lord of the Rings marathons.

 Since I've lost this post twice now, I'm quitting while I'm ahead and have fully-formed saved sentences.

Fucktwat. I may have to keep that one going an extra week, just because it makes me giggle every time.

Thus Ends UE

Got a job this week, and while my wallet (and my husband and everyone else I know) is celebrating I'm just a bit melancholy about the whole thing. My dream is to make enough money to be able to stay home and write without being on unemployment so I can justify the home-time...and while the adult in me is proud that I'll be pulling my weight again, the dreamer is quietly mourning that my time off went by so quickly.

Now, the key will be to get into some sort of daily writing habit so I don't lose momentum on the book when I go back to work. Of course, the key to THAT goal will be finding an hour or two in the day doesn't cut too deeply into husband/family time. Let the juggling act begin!