I Heart Internet News

Blame Jay Leno for my never ending amusement at awfulsome headlines. 

Religious People Say They Don't Watch Porn. Internet Data Says Otherwise. Um, I feel like "duh"should be somewhere in this headline. Maybe even "fucking duh?". 

Catholic Bishop's Advice For Divorced, Remarried Catholics: Stop Having Sex. Clearly, he thinks they should just watch more porn. In true creepy fashion, said Bishop actually suggests remarried divorcees should live like 'brother and sister'.  I think he reads too much VC Andrews and needs to be sent back to Seminary.  

Here's how long you can look someone in the eye without creeping them out. OOH! A new skill to learn for commuting and long, uncomfortable meetings. 

How can people with narcolepsy drive safely? Um...

Stop judging ugly fruits and vegetables. You're hurting their feelings, you insensitive jerkfaces. Right before you slice them into tasty tasty salad toppings. 

Just a reminder that alligators show up in trees. What the fuck. Now they can climb goddamned trees, so in Florida you not only have to worry about SNAKES dropping out of a tree on your head (oh yeah, it happens people), but fucking ALLIGATORS can ambush you from above? Who allowed this shit? Darwin, I'm looking at you. 

Live out your dreams of frolicking with farm animals through virtual reality.  Seems like a legit alternative to Pokemon. Or internet porn? Remember the post about billy goats? Yeah. I'm stopping now. 

Starbucks is giving all US workers a raise. And, by the way, raising drink prices by 30 cents. Once, long long ago, I convinced my ex to quit smoking by saying "do you REALLY want to spend $10 a day on cigarettes?" I suppose I'm going to have to break the iced mocha addiction soon for the same reason. 

Don't ALL Families Talk About This Stuff?

This isn't a real post: it's a collection of random snippets I captured in my phone during conversations with family recently, so I apologize in advance for the lack of cohesive ending.

Things my awesome relatives have said to me recently:

"Oh yeah, didn't you know billy goats attract females by pissing on their own whiskers?" This is important to know if you own a billy goat and no female goats, because apparently they will just piss on ANYTHING that walks by their pen*. Because presumably they're irritated at the lack of female goat attentions, and have an abundance of piss.

*No. I did not get pissed on by a cranky horny goat in retribution or because I look like a female goat or for any other reason. The story involved was a good 30 years ago, and will likely end up in some collection of weird family tales someday.

Also, pygmy goats are fucking adorable and leave tiny hoofprints all over the roof of a car if they can. Which is disconcerting when you're a tired high school student who goes to open your Chevy Caprice wagon (because who drove to high school in a super-cool maroon grocery-getting-tank she could barely park? THIS GIRL.) in the morning only to find devil prints the size of a quarter all over the hood and roof.

Teeny tiny demons held dance parties to bad 90's pop music on my car. I'm certain of it.

"Um, no, actually, I'm pretty sure pigs always look at people as edible." Yeah. Not kidding there: I really did always think that pigs would eat people if trained to do so (you know, like starving dogs eating Ramsey Bolton, or like the pigs in the Hannibal Lecter sequel, or that creepy serial killing farmer in Canada...yes, Canada has serial killers ABOOT).

For the record, the story that went along with this quote was rather horrifying, about a woman my grandma knew of who fell in the pen when feeding the pigs one day. A huge sow she'd raised (read - spoiled like a pet) from a piglet ATE HER CHEST AND SHOULDER.

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

Honestly, I have no further guilt at all about bacon or cute little piglet faces, because they look at us as people-bacon. Bring on the barbecue.

"Well, if the elephant is Kiki's 'sex toy' then let me know and I'll bring it home." The elephant in question - a purple stuffed animal. Kiki - a rather adorable four pound female chihuahua with a penchant for sexually abusing stuffed animals SO vigorously she humps them from one end of the room to the other. Yup, she's fixed. She doesn't care: she WILL DOMINATE ALL THE STUFFED ANIMALS. Even elephants, apparently.

And really, what better way to end a post than giving you a mental image of a tiny dog humping her way across a floor with a poor purple elephant taking it like a...well, like an elephant, I suppose.

Amazon Thinks I'm a Man-Witch

So a friend of mine forwarded me a link to a "reclaim your masculinity" dude's blog the other day, which I read and enjoyed as another facet to views gender roles and equality (a subject which I give a lot of thought, actually). I didn't agree with everything he wrote, but I can see some of his points. I was interested at least reading the back-cover copy of his books.

So I looked him up on Amazon. Yeah, not so much for me. But still, all perspectives fill out an argument, and it's interesting to know. (For the record, I stopped bothering when I saw a bunch of "more like this" books supposedly related to his title which ALL varied on the same theme: keeping the little lady under control and making sure she provides enough sex to keep your marriage happy. Because only marriages where women know their place, under their man, are happy.)

And that's when Amazon decided I'm a man-witch. A married man-witch, with a terrible sex life, apparently. I have a mix of pagan books, "man-workout" books, "fix your sex life in your marriage" books, and "male" philosophy books on my recommended list all of the sudden.

I'm not going to lie, I'm interested in reading Cicero's On Duties and I sort of want to peruse How To Become a Modern Viking regardless of the books' intended penis-people audience (A Man's Guide to Unleashing the Warrior Within is a pretty clear subtitle).

But, dear Amazon, looking at something about dudes finding their tribe probably doesn't mean I'm interested in The Married Man Sex Life Primer or The Purposeful Primitive (which is apparently a workout book for dudes).

There are others that make me gag a little, and so now I need to do searches on Amazon for other stuff JUST to clear out the poor marketing results. The pagan suggestions are helpful...the "understand devious female behavior" and "be a real man so your wife obeys" ones are just...sigh.

So:

Unicorn masturbation?
Viking Weapons for Chicks?
Deadpool?

Other suggestions?