Monday, April 28, 2008

It's done!

That's right...and I DIDN'T fall down! And I remembered ALL the choreography! Woohoo!! It actually was pretty fun and not as nervewracking as the first time Nic and I danced the Guild show. Don't know if that's because we had more people in our group (as opposed to a duet) or because I was more confident this time, but I'm goin' with it.

Mom and Dad left, which was hard but good for them at the same time. It's weird, becuase I haven't lived with them since I was 19...over 10 years now, but it still feels a little like a security net I didnt' realize was there is gone. Like suddenly I'm really on my own. Stupid, I know...as if I haven't been on my own since i moved to Mpls, or since I got married, or since we bought a house. But none of that logic fixes the empty feeling I have when I think about how I can't really go back to MY house in Duluth, to the barn I spent so many hours in, to the pasture Shadow and I raced over (probably lucky I didn't kill us both), to the house I grew up in. It's not home anymore: it'll be someone else's home now. And that's just damn sad.

Change is hard and painful 99% of the time. I know I just need to work through it. I wonder how much of this is normal and how much is due to my own insecurities about being "adult" and about being married. It's been almost 5 years since we actually said vows...more than 6 that we've been together, and I still worry often that he'll decide I'm a HUGE mistake and say buh-bye mental girl. I know that's probably childish and silly, but there's a part of me that can't help it, and it feel a little like a support has been removed. Not an essential-to-everything support, but a support none the less. And it's not even my 'rents moving...after all, LA isn't in another country (I'm sure non-Californians think it is, but as far as I know a MinnesOtan doesn't need a passport to visit there yet). It's the childhood HOME that's gone. I'll get used to it, but this was a pretty rough weekend all around.

So now it's Monday night at 9pm. I should really log on and do some work. Even more so, I should plug in the flash drive and work on the book I've been neglecting for the past two months. But instead, the bed calls to me because the stupid alarm starts screeching FAR too early these days. Ugh.

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous8:16 PM

    Hey, I remember that same feeling when my parents sold the house in SD that I grew up in--and I was 36 or 37 at the time, so know what you're feeling. I drive by when I'm in good 'ol SD but it isn't the same............it does get better. Got your message, we've been dealing with lots of crap with my mom, right now she's in the mental health unit at Immanuel St Jo's in Mankato----it's like a neverending rollercoaster ride and I'm starting to get sick from all the ups and downs........help, get me off this ride :)
    Brenda

    ReplyDelete

Unload your brainpan, but please prove you're not a Russian spam-bot. Or Skynet. I don't want the T1000 after me.