Happy New Year

As Samhain is the pagan new year (and my wedding anniversary) I'm always a little reflective on Halloween. So much to the chagrin of my husband, I decided NOT to go to bellydance class this morning and slept in, started laundry, and am writing instead. With the coffee he so kindly made for me (well, and for him...but he made a new pot when I got up) and the boys lying quietly in my office for their morning nap, I have some time to think.

Lately it's felt like I've had NO time for myself at all, much less any thinking time. From Renaissance Festival to Halloween we've been running pretty non-stop, and it's been sort of exhausting. I was lucky enough to have two trips to LA in that time, worked six 14 hour saturdays for SS and four Sundays for the SOS girls, started teaching the new bellydance session at Leslie's request, adopted a new giant dog...whew. August through October has been insane.

November won't be much better if I decide to start NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). I have the characters, I have the general plot...I can't actually sign up for NaNoWriMo because I have the first chapter done, but I can use it as a jumping off point and really make time for writing. If I can get into the habit of writing every day, even for an hour or two...oh I want to finish one of the novels percolating in my brain this winter. And then start on the next one. If I could even sell one book we'd be better off financially and I'd really feel like I can DO this...becuase the dream is to be a full time writer, but the dream hasn't been followed up by enough determination, and that has to change.

Today.

Reality Strikes Again

Hmm.

A certain someone asked me recently to send him a copy of THE story. The story that made the Honorable Mention list for Women on Writing. Fool that I am, I assumed he actually wanted to read it.

Incorrect...it was part of the "reconnect with past love while fighting with wife" syndrome I was the subject of last week. At least, that's my assumption since I haven't heard a peep from that corner of the world since last Wednesday. *sigh* Fickle frienships.

In other news...got back from LA last night at o-dark-thirty and had about 3 hours sleep, maybe, last night. Well worth the trip though: we had a great time, Dave got a new tattoo, saw incredible art and artifacts, spent some beach time, and ate phenomenal food. I do love the California lifestyle...and thus have applied for a bunch of jobs in the area of Newport Beach/Long Beach (as well as my standard Florida resumes when non-engineering jobs open up there). Maybe this'll be our last winter in MN yet...

Past, Present, Future

I had a pretty damn good day today, until about 8. Then I ran out of steam. I spent a good portion of my day reminscing with a friend of mine. Found a different perspective on some crappy behavior of a 20-something boy and realized I'm the idealized "one who got away" he turns to, right or wrong, when he's having a hard time at home. Over the course of the day it became clearer to me that contacting me once in a while isn't the underhanded thing I suspected, but a way for him to wonder what would've been if he'd made different choices. Only thing is, the rose glasses are on in full force for him, and I started thinking, do I WANT to be the idealized version of me at 20?

No way in HELL.

But there are some things I'm able to forgive myself for: I wasn't quite as much of a fool as I thought I'd been. My instincts WERE right, even if my backbone wasn't fully developed at the time. What I learned about being independent and still being in a relationship, about the coexistence of two people who need honesty and attention, about needing the words to match the behavior, all came from that first intense and all-consuming love I had for a boy who wasn't ready for that sort of relationship. In all honesty, neither was I: I didn't know how to be myself and be someone's love, so if he'd reciprocated unfettered we most likely would've self-destructed after a few years. I know it, even if he doesn't see it yet, because we both ended up with the people we're meant to be with, for various reasons.

So now he has some regrets, and I have forgiveness, for myself and him. Which means I can truly be a friend without reservation.

Stress

It's been 6 weeks since I had my interview, and still nothing. Well, not nothing: the last comment from the recruiter was about a week ago, and as of then the company still hadn't made a decision, so there's still hope. That's almost worse, waiting this long for a job that's a long shot anyway. I can't help but think if they really loved me as much as the recruiter says they did, why drag this out 6 weeks? Then again, rumor has it everyone is slow to hire right now.

I just need a change really, really desperately. I'm so stressed and burnt out at my job that it's making me miserable in all other aspects: I'm looking for reasons to fight at home, eating too much, exercising way less than I should be, and generally punishing myself and my household for my own stress. How fucking stupid is THAT?

We have a new "son" in our family: Chewy. A monstrously huge Great Pyrenees who is in the full 2 year old naughty stage. I'd forgotten what that stage is like, and it's only increasing the household issues. I've been up since 5:30am this morning simply because Chewy was throwing up, and who can sleep through the sound of anything barfing? Not me.

On top of the changing family dynamic, I have bellydance 2 nights a week and Saturday mornings, and the past few weeks I've had something going on every night of the week. This week is shaping up to be the same way: bd tonight, board meeting tomorrow, bd wednesday, packing Thursday for a trip to LA on Friday.

I hope I feel better after this trip, because I really need a break.