Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Fancy-Pants Hotel, or Den of Iniquity?

Last weekend we had an un-aptly-named "Staycation," because neither of us had the available PTO to go to Florida with the rest of the family.

We stayed here: The Graves 601, partially because the location is pretty darn ideal for wandering around downtown Minneapolis (The Graves is across from Target Center/Target Field, next to Kieran's Irish Pub, 2 blocks away from Nicollet Mall, and right next to a Starbucks...not that the Starbucks locale had ANYTHING to do with my decision when making reservations. Really!), partially because the price was slightly less than a few other luxury hotels in the area, and partially because I'm morbid and enjoyed the idea of staying in "The Graves."

The room was Ikea-esque: ultra modern with the whole low-profile bed, small-ish modern furniture, and a shower-only bathroom. Of course, the shower-only bathroom was acceptable since it was one of those 5 head massaging showers that hit you from the top of your head to your knees...awesome.

What I was NOT aware of (nor does their website say this anywhere): the Graves is a totally suggestive sex room. Is that because it's across from a major concert venue or because it's a business hotel during the week? I'm not sure, and honestly I don't think I want to know.

The naughtiness begins with artwork:



Those are supposed to be a woman holding a pear. That does NOT look like a pear to me: that looks like a weird, bumpy, GIANT green scrotum. Seriously, alien testicles on the wall in our room, cradled gently by a female hand. So apparently it was a sci-fi sex room.

Then we looked in the mini bar. Not only was there some premium (and ridiculously expensive) mini-bottles of booze (crown royal...for $15 a shot), but the "extras" in the minibar included:
  • A disposable camera.
  • A "female intimacy kit" in a charming black box, including various lubes.
  • A "regular" intimacy kit, including 2 condoms and "gynecological" wet wipes.
  • A shoehorn.
  • A wine bottle opener.
  • A bandage/first aid kit (in case the shoehorn didn't work?)
  • Two types of suggestively labeled breath mints.
On the flip side, the food in the hotel's restaurant was fantastic, the view was pretty awesome, and the staff was very nice and accommodating. All in all I'd recommend that hotel for a romantic weekend, but maybe without the alien nut art.

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