Thursday, December 28, 2017

Welcome to Things Ragnar Ate

I'm starting a new label today for the 3.5 month old Shepherd/Bloodhound puppy currently wreaking havoc in my household.

ThingsRagnarAte.

This will go along with the upcoming tales of Angus the Cat's interactions with me (the Evil Overlord keeping him cat-ptive), labeled EvilOverlordIsn'tDeadYet.

So, in the last few weeks, Ragnar ate:

  • Seven socks, previously worn
  • More underwear than I care to think about, all of which is now in the laundry
  • Angus's tail hair (the odds were not in Ragnar's favor that day)
  • One PS4 controller
  • One PS4 controller charging cable
  • Two iphone/ipad charging cables
  • Two platform/spike heeled shoes. FROM DIFFERENT PAIRS. 
    • Last night he found the mate to one of them, so technically he's now eaten the heels of two leather spike heeled boots and the buckle strap of one leather platform Mary Jane. 
  • ALL the rabbit poop he can find
    • outside, in case people are actually wondering why the fuck I have rabbit poop in my house. I don't. I'm not a perfect housekeeper, but that's just silly. 
  • The Joy of Cooking (book jacket only - the book itself has fang marks without any permanent damage).
  • bull penises, which are cleverly called "bull pizzle*" as the ingredient on a "bully stick" from PetSmart. 
    • PIZZLE? REALLY? If you're going to offer cow tracheae, pig ears, and bull penii** as dog treats, have the balls to say what they really are. (Balls, as in testicles from any animal, not found in the treat isle at PetSmart). 
  • Packing tape.
  • Scotch tape dispenser. 
  • Toilet paper holder
  • Toilet paper
  • Cat toys
  • Dried minnows 
    • cat treats...just as gross as dog treats
  • The end of the wooden dowel used to keep the sliding patio door locked. 
    • Resulting in a FANTASTIC episode of FIGHT THE PUPPY TO GET THE SLIVER OUT OF HIS GUMS WITHOUT GOING TO THE VET
  • One older puppy's throat fur
    • throat and both puppies unharmed during the play resulting in blond fur in Ragnar's mouth
  • Mashed potatoes
    • Ben, I'm looking at YOU
  • Cheese-its
    • all my fault...I was out of appropriate training treats
  • Three magazines
  • Wrapping and packaging paper from multiple presents
  • One poor Nutcracker Christmas ornament, who now stares offendedly from the tree with a dogspit hairdo and new dents in his fancy wooden outfit. 

*Spellchecker refuses to accept "pizzle" as a word. Me too, spellcheck, me too. 
**I don't care what the dictionary says: the plural of "penis" sounds infinitely better as "penii" than "penises". Penii is far more commanding and and serious. Penises sounds like some sort of fucked up floppy toy...which brings us back to bull penis dog chews. 

8 comments:

  1. Sherry Roth3:33 PM

    Oh Jess, you slay me. I love your writing and humor!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sarah3:55 PM

    Older puppy neck fur. Dying over here. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Had you forgotten what it was like to have a puppy?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well he's significantly less energetic than Thor ever was, so I'm fooled sometimes. Sigh. I like that copy of The Joy of Cooking...although let's be honest, it doesn't help at all anyway.

      Delete
  4. That's all kinds of entertaining.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I know not of what you speak.

    ReplyDelete
  6. This is awesome! ESPN has also eaten underwear, most of which cannot be washed and ended up in the trash. I will never figure out why they always like dirty socks and underwear.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anything previously worn smells interesting. Sigh. Dogs are gross. They're lucky they're adorable.

      Delete

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