"Because Beelzabub touched my W-2. That's why."

In the news today I found an article the perfectly describes why I have no patience for stupid.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE.

As a non-Christian, I'm 100% certain I would not survive well in the deep south, even though I don't generally advertise my beliefs nor do I dispute anyone else's. But seriously? It's your fucking computer-generated auto-numbered tax information, dumbass. While there's probably an argument to be made that Satan is involved in taxes (particularly for IRS employees and tax accountants in the 1st quarter of every year), I'd think any entity with titles like "The Father of Lies" and "The Great Defiler" has more important things to do than fuck wtih YOUR W-2 forms.

I mean really, could you be any more concieted? Don't you think the Devil is far too concerned with Reality TV stars to give a shit about your taxes?

Because I require a decent contrast, this is why dogs are better people than most people. Although my dog is still pissed at me for making him naked, so it's possible he'd eat me amble away, possibly whistling all nonchalant-like.

And because it's Friday (and really what's better than a Klingon band and bellydancing Wookie...thanks YouTube!):

YOU'RE WELCOME.

I don't have a problem...

In follow up to my post extolling the remarkable awesomeness of Cait's present, I need to point out the awesomeness of Zack. Who gave me a Witchking helmet ring, a knitted "zombie" coffee cozy, and this:


To be hung in my library/office. As a warning? Or an explanation...



Indeed, it IS perfect for me.

In other news, I managed to drop my toothbrush in the toilet Saturday morning. Ever have those moments where time slows down but you can't move any fucking faster? Yeah. I set it down on the sink. I promptly (in my normal clumsy manner) knocked it off said sink, and watched it flip in slow motion into the toilet bowl.

Stop judging me. I hadn't had coffee.
Of course I forgot to buy a new toothbrush when we were out causing trouble running errands this weekend.

Oh, I also tortured my dogs. I took them to the groomer (THE HORROR!). Because I'm fucking tired of the hairsplosion (the shepherd has been in mid-winter shed for 2 months, and he's already killed one vacuum). Thor thought the experience, complete with Furminator (which I envision as a giant robotic hair sucker that says "I'll be back" at the end of the appointment) was FABULOUS. He was all perky and excited when I picked them up, proud of his shiny coat and blue Petsmart kerchief.

Chewy was...less than thrilled. Great Pyrenees require daily grooming, and with the accident and everything else last fall going on I'll admit I'd gotten lax. He had some mats, and I opted to let the groomer just shave him instead of tormenting the poor dude with hours upon hours of de-knot-brushing.

Chewy is now naked.



I hate you Mom. I'm so embarrassed.





STILL NOT LOOKING AT YOU.



This coat doesn't even fit. My butt's cold! What's WRONG with you?

That was Saturday. He spent most of the day lying on the floor next to Husband, staring woefully at me with accusatory attitude and large, forlorn sighs. Luckily, biscuts have made things better. 

Well, I Suppose I Asked For It.

Someone found my blog today by searching for this: "how do I put a demon back to hell"

I think I won, but I'm a little worried what the prize would be in this situation. So I'm going back to regularly scheduled silliness. Like THIS (for which I'm unable to find anyone to credit, so if it's you let me know and I'll edit): which is now the background on my laptop.

Because it makes me giggle every damned time I see it.

Yes. Even now while I'm writing this entry.

So I went back to work this week after a lazy, utterly wasted, GLORIOUS month off watching Kevin McKidd on Grey's Anatomy.  It was a four week escape: sleeping, reading, movies, and hiding from the disgusting cold with the dogs. I'm pretty sure I made up for the two months of no-sleep-hospital-stress-extravaganza last fall.

Anyway. I'm back to work now, and my first day went as follows. It's not a typical boring first day (because honestly, why would I want to relive that shit if it was?).

1. Sleep a total of three hours because even though I WORKED THERE FOR SIX MONTHS and it wasn't a "real" first day, apparently my subconscious is a stupid anxiety ball bitch who needs to make me spend the first day of every new endeavor sleep deprived and nauseous.
2. Leave early enough to stop for gas, coffee, and a bank deposit before 8am.
3. Bitch about the injustice that the Wells Fargo drive-through window doesn't open at 7am (the one by my house does, goddammit!).
4. Park a full 20 minutes early. Note, this is nearly an hour earlier than I would NORMALLY go to this job (again, I'd been there six months before getting hired on full time, schedules are flexible at the company, and most people I work with discover quickly that I'm not worth talking to prior to 8:30am anyway).
5. Fuck around on Facebook, Twitter and email in my car. Because waiting in the lobby for 20 minutes is just dumb.
6. Wait in the lobby for 20 minutes anyway because traffic was bad that day.
7. Say hello to multiple co-workers who don't understand why the hell I'm not just going up to my desk (no security badge).
8. Boss arrives, we go up to the new team area (they moved to another floor on my last day).
9. I have no laptop/phone/etc. Boss follows up with IT while I'm in HR doing obligatory passport/ID paperwork and I9 stuff.
10. Return from HR at 9:20.
11. SENT HOME FOR THE REST OF THE DAY because IT won't have a laptop for me until Tuesday, and I'm fired there's nothing I can do without it.
12. Go car shopping with husband. Buy a new (to me) truck. Because what else should a grown woman do on her first day of a new job but go home after an hour and buy a new(ish) car, right?

FYI: I got a laptop Wednesday, which really just means I get to surf the interwebz until I have a project. But I actually love this company and this team and I'm looking forward to working there.

Until I win the powerball.

Or, learn to put a demon back to hell. Apparently that's a needed skillset.