Why I'm NOT reading 50 Shades of Anything

My mother-in-law recently asked me if I read 50 Shades of Grey (nope, I sure didn't add a link to the book there and yup, it was on purpose). I could probably do a whole post jsust on inappropriate things my MIL has asked me over the years.

Instead, let me explain why I refuse to read them.

First: 50 Shades is fan fiction based on Twilight. I did read all four Twilight novels after much urging by certain friends (whom I've since forgiven but will never ever trust to recommend books again), and I'll NEVER GET THAT WEEK BACK. Nor have I been able to scrub them from my brain. I don't need that again.

Second: I like good writing. I tried to read the first few pages while idling at Barnes & Noble one day and was immediately turned off by bad sentence structure, word choices, and imagery. As a reader, I count on being completely immersed in that story's world. If I'm thrown out of the story by crappy writing there's no point in trying to finish.

Third: If you're going to write something that's marketed as "erotica" it goddamn well better be hot. EVERYONE I've asked said they'd read hotter sex scenes in standard romance novels. That means the majority of readers are just titilated by the idea of the domination/submission aspect, and that bores the hell out of me.

I'm not offended by the fetish or up in arms in a feminist stance against the idea: in fact I'm a pretty firm believer that whatever two consenting adults want to experiment in is cool. But the older man/young innocent (ugh) woman domination thing is SO UTTERLY CLICHE it's just downright boring. It's as tired as the old bodice ripper versions of romance novels: it's been done...adding a ball gag doesn't make it new.

I unapolegetically adore romance novels. A group of friends has had a Dirty Book Club going on for quite a few years, which is where I discovered fabulous authors like Gena Showalter, P.C. Cast, and Kresley Cole. I HIGHLY recommend any of their novels for fantastic storylines, excellent worlds and hot hot hot sex scenes.

I'd buy any of their works, anytime...because when there's a long list of books to be read out there and a short amount of time it's worth reading the good stuff.

UPDATE: Yes, I'm aware the actual title is Fifty Shades of Grey. I'm lazy. Deal.

Hot Pink "Toys" are like Toyota Camrys: Yay Rainbows!

A sample of what I consider the "best of" from my inbox in the past two weeks, all from the same group of troublemakers *ahem* fabulously inappropriate friends. These three people are the best possible present I got as a karmic reward for not losing my shit while we all worked in the same company, and luckily they kept talking to me even after I escaped.  
Part of me thinks I should give background for this string of converesations, but really it's much funnier without. No topic is off limits in this group, and that's why they're so damn fabulous. These snippets are mostly from one particularly inappropriate conversation which just descended further and further into weird. Yay rainbows, indeed.

• "oh sure, sperm sack tongue lady makes you giggle. I've been sending you etsy GOLD all day long.I see how it is."
• "Okay guys... I know it's just HOURS until 3 o'clock and all but I had to tell you guys: This morning I drove past what appeared to be a hot pink dildo laying in the street by the stop sign by my house.I'm not sure if this is a good omen or a bad omen or what, but I think it means today's going to be weird."
• "I'd advise taking it door to door and see who is missing one.  Then tell them that everyone knows purple is the best sex toy color."
• "So yeah it would be funny to have a jesus butt plug but at the same time is that really what you want in the bedroom?  Or is it just really damn funny.  That being said, hot pink dildo to me is like a grey toyota camary, it's very vanilla really.  When someone say's dildo, a pink one is what comes to mind.  Rhinestones seem like they would hurt though."
• "I've got a serious problem guys...Now every time I drive to work and there ISN'T a pink dildo in my road I feel like my day starts out a disappointment. I'm pretty sure that means there's something wrong with me. Like... really, really wrong with me."
• "Mayhapse the dolphin one was designed by a disgruntled tattoo artist who got sick of putting dolphins on peoples ankles. So you think it's the trapper keeper design methodology applied to dildos? There are presumably unicorn dildos and such?"
• "And you know... Saw a freaking hot pink dildo in the middle of the road at 7:30 in the morning today. I sort of started out with ”well today's going to be outrageous, I may as well roll with it.” You know in an Elton John glitter suit outrageous sort of way... So I just sort of did. I thought to myself ”you know, fuck it, these people know I'm warped. They won't mind. Well Pat might. But that's okay.” Incidentally now that I think about it - thats another way pink dildos bug me - my brain goes to 'over the top like Elton John in concert.' I loves me some tiny dancer but that man is not sexy."
• "Having throughly researched all kinds of dildo's and strapons in the last few days, I can tell you that you can sign up and have amazon ship you a different one every month or week that can then be left in the street for you to see. This means you'd get a different one all the time, sort of a dildo of the week club(potential blog/podcast?). Get them sent to the office and then just throw it out the window on the way home so it is there the next day. This plan has zero flaws."
• "And I should get my Unicorn Farts lip balm in the mail today. So that kicks ass."

UPDATE: I saw two of these peeps at lunch today, and I have to say: Unicorn Farts lip balm smells JUST LIKE THIN MINTS. I'm so getting some of that! I tried to steal it, but I wasn't stealthy enough and got caught. Damn.

Encounters of the Weird Kind...

Random weird shit from Girls' Weekend 2012:

 

•  I may have been mistaken for a prostitute, but I'm not sure.
• Dinner at Dick's Last Resort in the Mall of America, where the servers are snarky and rude...and yet pretty damn hilarious.
• "I ate soup" was sent by one of the men in response to a "you should sext me" prompt.
• Filthy sexts received during dinner by one of the girls were shared with the group. Envy and giggles commenced.
• A possible zombie followed the group out of Starbucks on Nicollet Mall.* 
• Discovered a neat store on 9th and Nicollet, with random curiosities and a sleepy dog.
• Unfortunately, outside said neat store was a HORRIBLE trumpet player who repeated the same four or five notes with no semblance of melody. Even the kids walking by plugged their ears. I suspect this is what caused the dog's obvious depression.
• GODIVA HAS REWARDS and we all signed up. Now I get a free truffle once a month and some sort of incentive to buy more chocolate...as though any incentive is needed. Ha.
• The importance of having a clean hole was a theme. Said in reference to someone's teeth, which really only makes this statement sillier.
• "I have a boat but it has flat tires." Yeah, it was said in conversation, but I'm still baffled.
• "I'm sorry, I'm going to have to molest you now." Said to the pregnant girl as her belly is felt up AGAIN.
• A pushing match ensues between the two molesters attempting to feel the baby kick. The baby was apparently sleeping or terrified, because he didn't even wiggle, much less show alien-hand-movement in her belly.
• We as a group are no fun, according to the smarmy man in the Homewood Suites lobby who tried to charm us into either taking him with us to a bar somewhere or, possibly, some other sort of party. His British accent was fake and he carried four bottles of water for his group, so I'm not really sure what the hell he thought he'd get out of the five of us.
• Spent too much at Baby Gap for my impending nephew. The sales girl tried to get me to get a credit card...even though I have no spawn and told her so. Snort.

There was much laughter and wine for all (except the pregnant one, who was allowed laughing but not wine). GW was a success yet again, and the people who couldn't make it this year were missed.

*"Zombie" was actually a man who appeared to be carrying something in his shirt and was rather confused and wandering...unsteadily. He looked like he'd been in a fight: he followed us out to the street where there are many cops and Mpls community outreach people, so even though I felt guilty for not helping, I know he was picked up and helped by professionals. He was altered, and I'm not sure what he was carrying around under his shirt so was uncomfortable stopping. I must still feel guilty if I need to justify my non-action. Sigh.