Thursday, August 22, 2013

It's Not You. And I'm Not Breaking Up. This is not a funny post. Feel free to ignore it.

I am a cyclical depression hermit. (Do not confuse that with a  Cycling hermit, because truly I loathe bikes, unicycles, pretty much all pedaling-type exercise with the fire of a thousand suns).

Yesterday in a discussion with Husband about the depression I've been fighting off and on for a while now, he said something that hit home.

"There are people who WANT to be your friend, who want to get to know the real you, who WANT to connect. YOU shut them out and push them away."

He's likely quite right: when I'm in a down cycle I avoid all the people. I don't trust easily. I don't call. I don't write. Hell I barely leave the house, which the dogs love but likely isn't good for me on multiple levels.

I've written about this before, but I suppose I haven't explicitly said that in the past year some really shitty things have happened both to me and around me that sucked up so much of our time and energy that I've been more prone to depressions simply from lack of any sort of reserves. Therefore, I've withdrawn from everyone.

It's not you. It's me. I know, that phrase sucks...but I'm not breaking up.

I debate and debate about how explicit I should be or want to be in this blog (and elsewhere), because 1) it's goddamn fucking HARD to expose things and 2) who the fuck wants to read this depressing shit? 

But in the interest of friends and potential friends not feeling ignored or slighted, here it is: 99% of the time I feel utterly worthless and completely unloveable. There are both internal and external factors that contribute to my personal form of emotional wreck-ness and this post IS NOT, I REPEAT: IS NOT any sort of plea for sympathy, empathy, or help. It really isn't. I'm working on things. I'm trying to get my act together. Sometimes I have a burst of energy and say "fuck off" to those lying bastard inner demons, and I can be who I want to be. That's happened less often the past few years, and you should know I'm working like mad on changing it.

This post is to reassure those of you who might be in the category Husband voiced, because I DO want to hang. I DO want relationships. I just don't have the wherewithal or oomph to do the work required, because I've been trying hard to get my own shit back in order.  While Husband insists certain peeps we know really want to have a better/deeper friendship with me if I give them a chance, I've also had some recent (ie past few years) spectacularly damaging betrayals by "friends." Most recently, one who made every effort to get to know those hidden psychological bits of me, only to cause damage when I proved to be...hmm...insufficiently "fixed," and the friendship ended. Too much work, that's me.

I have to consciously fight some pretty dark core beliefs about friendship and relationships and myself that have NOTHING to do with your efforts or the quality of our relationship. I am working on learning to open up again. I apparently have the progress of a goddamned sloth in this area, and for that I really do apologize. It sucks for me, too. Truly and sincerely, it's NOT YOU. And when I finally come out of this and act like the normal, semi-confident, funny smartass I used to be, hopefully some of you will still be there. If not, I get it dude, and I cast no blame: acquaintance status is ok with me too.

8 comments:

  1. Dear, you are so loveable. Some people just suck and sometimes good people suck at certain moments when we don't want them to. Sometimes the worst gets the best of us and we do need to take time to assemble ourselves back together again. You are beautiful inside and out. You are a worthwhile person. You are talented. It is okay to take time and hide until you feel safe. It is not okay to let those inner demons win, because too many people fall to them and YOU are worth so much more than that. I like when I am able to read your posts. You have a very good ability to be honest about what is inside of you and share it for the world. Sometimes the world needs to know the sad,depressing truth if for no other reason than to show that at least you're not alone. Love and hugs. H. A. Busse P.S I'm thinking that will be my pen name.

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  2. Baby steps. We'll wait for you! :)

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  3. Thank you, both of you. :) And I like H.A. Busse! I'll have feedback for you after this weekend, btw.

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  4. This is a brave post. I struggle with how much to put out there on my blog. Thank you for being honest about depression. Depression lies, but when we tell it like it is I think it shines a little light on it.

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  5. BTDT. My depression was (is) situational, but very real. From the "can't move off my bed" to the "I don't want anyone to see me because they will hate me". I FINALLY went to a counselor who sent me to my doc for a prescription, and another, and another, and finally feel somewhat better. Then BAM, Friday hit and it was back with no warning. So I get you, and it actually makes total sense to me. But really, true friends are worth the work and the wait. Mwah. Many blessings to you.

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  6. Anonymous12:45 PM

    I came to this post through the Bloggess, and I'm glad I did. I totally get what you are saying, and I read it at the exact right time. I'm actually on an upswing the last 6 months or so, and I actually feel like posting something in comments for a change. I'm glad I'm not alone!

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    1. I'm so glad you did, too! Thank you, and you're definitely not alone. Congrats on being on an upswing: crossing my fingers that it sticks for a long long time for you. :)

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  7. Oh my gosh. This has been my summer.

    My husband says similar things to me as well, often along the lines of how I come across as rude or snobby when people try to connect with me. I'm a lot better about it now, but I definitely have days of "avoid all the people". Then that turns into days of "why do all these people seem to connect so easily, and I have no friends?" That sounds so preteen girl, and of course, I do have friends. But sometimes I avoid them all and then wonder why they aren't around.

    Also, I totally read that part in a slightly screaming voice with the Allie Brosch visual...

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