Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Fest Food AND The Weekly Stupid Wrap Up

I realize some of these should have pictures, but ultimately I'm too busy either laughing (or gagging) to do so.

  • I know most of my Fest posts are about people being dumb: to start this post I'd like to suggest the tastiest things I've found at the MN Renaissance Festival.
    • Deep Fried Jalapeno Cream Cheese Stuffed Olives. OH MY GODS YUM.
    • Calzones (I don't care that they aren't Renaissance food)
    • Alligator bites (again, don't care).
    • Cheese Curds (for you non-Midwesterners: cheese chunks battered and fried. STILL not Renaissance food, still don't care. Yum).  
    • Popovers with honey butter. Fucking FABULOUS.
    • Frozen, chocolate dipped cheesecake on a stick.
    • Meat pies (which ARE pretty historically accurate): meat, cheese, veggies in puff pastry. Also, the breakfast varieties with sausage/bacon, egg, hashbrowns are awesome.
    • Crepes.
    • Shepherd's Pie. Yes, it's essentially beef stew over mashed potatoes out there, but it's hearty and warm and tasty as hell.
    • Mead.
    • Warm apple tarts with cinnamon ice cream. Good lord.
And now, on to the normal idiocy...
  • In an exercise of stupid, someone decided to invest money in shiny new "GARBAGE ONLY" magnetic signs and post them on every dumpster behind scenes. I'm unsure how anyone could get the purpose of a dumpster wrong: they truly do look like your average dumpster. They are not stealthy or in disguise. They aren't even covered in burlap (which as we all know, immediately makes something "period" (ie historically accurate) to the Renaissance. This begs the question: what exactly prompted said common-sense signs?
    • Midget/Hippie/Festie (festival worker) tossing?
    • Nuclear waste? 
    • Elephant poo? I submit that elephant poo is indeed "waste" and therefore is technically garbage. For the record, elephant poo is NOT tossed in the dumpsters. 
    • I realize the signs are intended to stop recyclables from being thrown in with trash, however (again, COMMON SENSE) wouldn't it be better to identify "RECYCLABLES ONLY" instead?  
  • Trash pickup around the Fest grounds is farmed out to various school teams (middle, high, and even community college). Saturday a slightly chubby 14 year old boy from Middleton school walked by me. The Middleton mascot? Beavers. Yes, I snickered.
  • I forgot to include this First Aid bit of entertainment from last weekend...there was a woman drunk enough to be puking AND peeing her pants at the same time. It BOGGLES THE MIND how she could possibly hold enough fluid in either tank to be able to piss every time she threw up. Also, she was apparently agitated (who wouldn't be, I suppose) and had to be held down so she stayed contained in First Aid on a single cot (thereby causing a 5' radius of filth instead of hosing down the entire office). I feel for you, people who had to hold her down and avoid any spray. And I'm pretty glad I wasn't there to witness.
  • A group of idiots thought they could sneak in through my gate without passes. They didn't have enough money to bribe me (kidding...I'm way to bitchy to even allow that). Judging by the FERRET in the leader's purse who stuck his nose out to check out the area, I'm guessing they were attempting to get in on the sly because ferrets aren't actually allowed through the Pet gate. She zipped her purse up (that poor ferret was unimpressed) and tried the front gate. What the hell possesses people to bring their pets out there anyway? It's filthy, the food on the ground is TERRIBLE for pets, the crowds are huge...it's not a healthy environment.
  • Parents, please stop calling in a panic about your "lost" teenager. Your teenager is NOT LOST. They aren't answering your texts because they don't want to be seen with you. SUCK IT UP. Also, Fest is a pretty enclosed space: there are only so many places said teens could be. I suggest all belly dance shows, pubs, and weaponry shops to start. I suppose I could suggest a couple of the other "adult" oriented shows, but I'm not a huge fan and so won't endorse them here. Indeed, I AM a bitch. 
  • And lastly, a word of Renaissance Festival/Music Festival/Anywhere-with-portable-bathrooms advice: Sex in Porta-Potties. DON'T DO IT. Fucking nasty...and if you get off with the stench of blue biff juice, sour hangover poop and puke wafting around you, please stay far, far away from me. Ishka.

3 comments:

  1. Add on top of all of that the bee/wasp stings(including 2 to the throat) and the guy who pulled his pants down so his everyone could Sea his girlfriend take pictures of his pirate booty/skull and crossbones gstring or as I like to call it the misplaced eyepatch.....Poor Jarvis got to see it in person...

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    1. OH MY GOD. I never heard about that one. HEEHEE!!

      I also forgot to include the unwashed (possibly drunk) hippie in blue plain pajamas fashioned into a sad looking kilt, who thought it was an excellent idea to stand in the middle of a one-way road facing oncoming potential traffic, whip out his unimpressive junk, and pee.

      Since most of the traffic ON that road consists of school busses and shuttle busses, I imagine the rear-ending into HIS car would've been unfortunate for him. So I suppose he's lucky it was a car with me and three others who caught him pissing in the middle of the road like a fucking idiot. Still feel somewhat bad for his passengers (particularly those in the back seat, since he didn't even bother to step away from the car and I'm certain they had a close up view of his pee). Then again, they chose to ride with him...so I don't have MUCH sympathy.

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  2. My friend was the cab driver who brought that drunk chic in. I was regaled with the tale of her trip to First Aid over a Guinness and a Cookie Sundae while out for drinks at Old Chicago. I felt terrible laughing because she had to deal with it; but it was hilarious to imagine.

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