It's Getting Crowded in Here

So 2016 is my "finish a goddamned book" year. It's not a stupid resolution I won't follow after a month because cake inevitably kicks the gym's ass: it's a self-imposed deadline to get ON my proverbial writing buns, sit my ass in front of the keyboard, and finish something.

At some point, I might learn not to announce intentions in any format other than a Jameson-induced drunken whisper, because apparently the Universe subscribes to the following axiom: if you want something done, give it to a busy person.

Except, unlike type A personalities or Virgo-ish busy people, MY prioritization and organization skills are often sub-par. And so, I have the following deadlines in February/March because I'm a fool who doesn't spread out my work better.

• book review for Ancient History Encyclopedia
• 1500 word article on sex in ancient Rome for the same site (it's getting the subject down to 1500 words that'll be a challenge)
• 1400 word article for a magazine (a paying market! YAY!)
• book review for a guy who found me through this blog and sent me his serial killer novel, which I'm actually DYING to get to but must finish reviews in order. 
• book review for Ancient History Encyclopedia (yes, another one, but I haven't received it yet so it's lower on the list). 
• book review for one of my favorite authors...I'm waiting for confirmation on that one, but I'm hoping I qualify as a review blogger for her because I love her work. 
• article I started for a magazine query earlier this month but never heard back on my letter (deadline is 3/1) so I'm changing it to a non-fiction book synopsis for later. I don't want to lose the idea, but I can't put it first in priority right now. 
• I have three short stories currently waiting for rejection out to markets. I'm not thinking about them much, except that it's best to have another marked queued up so I can submit again right away. This means I have to spreadsheet-track every piece, where it is, how long it's been there, and where it's going next. 
• I have a writing group twice a month and I owe them a finished piece (a short story that's totally unrelated to either book series). 
• Two different fiction series - one has been in the works since 200fucking8. I want to finish the first book in each series this year. 

Seriously, if you don't hear from me in a month or so, send a damn flare or something. I might be buried under a mountain of books. 

Huffington Post: Reminding Me There's ALWAYS Something Worse

In today's science section:

Octopus Valentine's Day Sex Session Scrapped Over Cannibalism Fears

So this was my first Valentine's Day as a not-married person in a loooong time. And I'll admit, while I consider Vday to be mostly an indicator that chocolate is about to go on sale I did have a moment or five of sad. I mean, our first date was over Vday all those years ago, and who doesn't enjoy a little extra attention here and there, right? I have some baggage about romance anyway, so I indulged in a couple minutes of nostalgia and sad. 

Yeah. I didn't have to worry about cannibalism...pretty sure it's all good in my world. 

"Duran Duran DOES NOT Sing The Song Of My People" (This post is Not Safe For Anyone*)

I seriously considered leaving this entire post blank**, because in this case the title really does say it all. Honestly, I laughed so hard at that one (which was dropped during what I thought was a totally normal conversation) I wheezed and cried a little.

Also? Since I generally anonymize my friends/family on this blog unless they say otherwise, you, sir, MIGHT need to be Duran Duran (DD?) here until I come up with something worse. If there is anything worse.

Then I remembered other ridiculous things said/heard lately, and realized it's been a while since I put into the interwebverse the oddities I get myself into.***

1) A friend (not DD...I'll need a code for him) sent me a picture of a statue of Jesus with the following caption: "Medusa 1, Jesus 0" I approve.

2) An ongoing discussion with DD about whether Aliens might've turned out differently had Newt been a teenage boy with a BDSM fetish. The logistics alone of breaking an alien to a collar is astounding, really, particularly since the only defense (as per the AVP movies) against corrosive alien blood is alien skin.

Yeah. THINK ABOUT THAT for a while. Facehugger condoms. A scarred up young man meeting the Marines and Ripley with a couple aliens on leashes.

Recently in one of my news feeds about writing I found a couple of magazines looking for horror/monster porn...seems apropos. (No, I'm not writing it. The discussion is enough).

And finally, 3)  While in a discussion with fellow degenerates (no codes yet: I'm working on it) about dietary choices that quickly devolved into something far worse, the question came up whether vegans are allowed to swallow during oral sex, or if that's a violation of the code.

Stop chortling, asshole, it's a real question!

I am extremely lucky to have a lovely lady in Oly (guess what YOUR new code name is?) who did NOT call me an asshole for asking and to my eternal gratitude and delight answered, "No, it's totally ok since people are consenting adults. But I bet some use that as an excuse not to."

I relayed the message, and immediately we three degenerates wondered about the sort of people who WOULD use veganism as an excuse to cop out of oral sex. And we came up with an alternative for those people to use instead: SPOY.

Vegan Soy Untextured Gluten Free Ejaculate Substitute

Comes in a tube...

*I am not sorry for anything in this post. Except maybe facehugger condoms.

**Yes, the labels I assigned are totally on purpose. Maybe I should be a little sorry for the people who search anything like alien porn and get this post.

Nope.

***No, I don't know what's wrong with me or my friends, but no one can say I don't have interesting conversations with people, and that's something.

PS: Google's spellcheck doesn't recognize the word "veganism" as real. For once, I can't help but agree. Also dear Google, I suppose THIS post lives up to your assumption that I am way too rude for you.

So, Googling THAT was probably stupid.

Yet another psycho's path to my blog.

So, someone (hopefully human, but really I'm a little up in the air on that assumption right now) found this blog by googling "cerberus eating baby".

First, what the actual fuck?

Second, due to poor punctuation placement I'm unclear whether this particular weirdo was looking for a baby who eats hellhounds, or a hellhound who eats babies.

Honestly, I think the baby eating hellhounds is more disturbing.

So, I googled it.

BECAUSE I'M STUPID, THAT'S WHY.

I'd like to point out that WebMD's link to Baby's Eating Milestones has NO reference to adding three headed hellhounds to the standard diet. I didn't look closely enough to see if there's a separate section on WebMD for demons...I suppose I could've missed something.

Also, immediately above the link to my blog (I did a Mythic Monday once on Hades and Cerberus here) is the following:

Should You Eat Your Baby's Placenta?

Dear Science News, babies don't HAVE a placenta. Babies ARRIVE in a placenta (or, perhaps more accurately, they exit the placenta?). Therefore, unless you plan on harvesting nonexistent baby innards (presumably male babies never grow a placenta for any reason, but hey...I'm no doctor OR alien DNA experimenter from XFiles) I THINK you mean "should you eat your placenta after your spawn no longer uses it."

Or some pithier version, I suppose.

I'd like to say what the actual fuck here as well, but I give up. Ugh.