Monday, March 18, 2013

UPDATED: It's like a divining rod for cosmic lost socks...

I was informed this afternoon that the 'lady occultist' in the Duluth Skywalk NOW offers "paranormal investigation" along with "soul retrieval."

I am thoroughly intrigued.


How exactly does one retrieve a soul?

Perhaps more importantly, how exactly does one LOSE* a soul? Is it like doing the laundry and the washer/dryer eats a sock? "Oops, I misplaced my soul. Crap, I don't remember which drawer it's in."

Does she have a soul-sniffer-outer of some sort?

A magnet-tipped extendo-soul-catching-rod (thanks Michael, for that one...excellent imagery).

Perhaps a specially trained dog (like the drug/bomb sniffing dogs, only for souls)? 



Golden SOUL Retriever
 Good lord, how does one TRAIN a soul-sniffer to sniff out lost souls? What sort of treats (Soul Biscuits) are required to get a dog to recognize a misplaced soul versus an intact soul? (This is Thor, my soul-sniffing-superdog!)

What if the soul is in pieces? Do you need a soul-divining-rod, like dowsing for water? What sort of material is required for accurate soul dowsing and retrieval? Is it something like metal detector-ing (in which case, do will I be wandering the Earth with a supply of batteries and earmuffs, swinging a soul detector over everything)?

How do I know the retrieved soul is mine? I don't want someone ELSE'S lost soul. What if the missing pieces aren't very nice, after all? I'll stick with my own bits, thanks.

Could it show up in a random un-returned library book or box of junk you intended to donate to Goodwill but forgot?

Does missing your soul make you a vampire? If so, do you magically turn into Angel from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (OMG there's a WIKI for Buffy)?

Can I request changing to Eric Northman from True Blood instead? He's way more fun and less broody.

I'm not even going to go the Evil Dead "I'll swallow your soul" route, because that's just creepy.

Perhaps the biggest question: is there a cosmic dryer somewhere with a secret stash of souls??

UPDATE: Per a commentor on Facebook, "every new freckle is someone's trapped soul."

What the FUCK, people? Seriously, I can't even tell you just how disturbing that concept is, and now every time I acquire a new random freckle I'll wonder if the Soul Retriever can remove it...and give it back to the original owner, of course.
*Disclaimer: while  I find my own silliness entertaining I feel some responsibility to put some non-snarky info out there. So, here's what I found locally on the concept of Soul Retrieval, which I must admit is also intriguing.   I'm not intrigued enough to pay for someone to find pieces of my soul, but hey, to each his/her own. Don't yell at me.

7 comments:

  1. Umm ... is it just me or does that sound suspiciously like the plot of a J K Rowling book? Horcrux's 'R Us?

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    1. Ha! I hadn't thought of that, but you're so right.

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  2. Oh crap...now I'm gonna be paranoid about the freckle thing. Is the soul confined to the freckle or is the freckle just an entry point and now I have a bunch of souls just wandering around aimlessly in my body? What if they decide to have an uprising because they don't like their living conditions? Can they force my soul out and take over??

    I'm scared. And ready to make an appointment for micro-dermabrasion

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    1. If they force your soul out, will it come out the freckles? That sounds tentacle-y to me, like Medusa but with wispy soul bits floating around instead of snakes.

      That makes me wonder if you'd wander around like Peter Pan with his shadow snickering at him just out of reach. Does one need a Wendy to sew a soul back in?

      Ow!

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    2. Also, are the freckle-souls just laying around on your skin, or are they parasites? And if they're parasites, what are they feeding on? Are they nomming on YOUR soul? And since gingers often have lots of freckles, is this why superstition used to say they didn't have souls? Because all the trapped souls ate it away?

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    3. Oh...no no no...that's just creepy. And AWESOME! Freckles as tiny soul-eating parasites...good lord. The possibilities for a supernatural thriller...

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  3. The entire time I was reading this, I was like, "Please let there be an Angelus reference, please, please," and then you COMPLETELY delivered by trumping the Angelus reference with Eric Northman. Awesome :)

    Have you ever read the poem "Soul Searching" by Tim Pratt? They could use a soul retriever...it sounds like they are taking your "metal detector" approach... http://www.strangehorizons.com/2004/20040712/searching.shtml

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Unload your brainpan, but please prove you're not a Russian spam-bot. Or Skynet. I don't want the T1000 after me.