Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Jeepers, Creeper...you're a sneaky peeper!

This began as a single (snarky) post about neighborliness, and the extreme lack of it, in my living situation.

Then, while filling in the details about my crazy CIA neighbor, the suspected brothel and the demented Disney princess I realized I have WAY too much for a single post. Therefore, let me introduce a new unofficial-but-true section in my blog: the JOYFUL neighbors in my townhome complex.

Anyone who poo-poos country living or small-town living as too intrusive (everybody knows EVERYBODY'S business in small towns!) has clearly never lived in a townhome complex. Seriously, take the worst possible attributes of nosiness and snarky-neighbor bitching, add sharing walls, communal yards, and stir with vigor for dramatic results.

I grew up on a 40 acre farm...we had PRIVACY out there. Townhomes are worse than apartment buildings...because everyone thinks they "own" everything, and have no issues telling you all about it. Anyway, we've had some fabulous characters come and go in the eight years we've been here, and since I'm stupid civic minded unwilling to bitch about increases in dues without making decisions about them, I spent six years on the homeowners' association board.

Did I mention I'm stupid?

I DID get to know most of my neighbors during that punishment time served, though. I like dessert first, so let's begin with the most entertaining fool, shall we?

The CIA's Sneaky Peeping Tom
That title seems unfair to men named "Tom." And cats.

The CIA's Sneaky Peeping Dude
Our complex is a large square surrounding a flat-topped hill. I suspect the mafia buried bodies in that hill (that's why there's only trees up there; no pool, no tennis courts, no amenities at all...just grass and the occasional skeletal hand poking through rock). The rest of the board assumes it's basically a giant mound of construction trash covered with dirt by the original builders.

Anyway, the back of our house faces the hill, which is FABULOUS. It's like we have a giant back yard without anyone being able to look in our windows, so it's almost private. The front faces the row of houses on the other side of the drive. The master bedroom is, of course, on the front of the house. Facing the bedroom window of the unit directly across the driveway.

That particular owner, as it turns out, is a dirty peeping peeper. His next door neighbor (Eeyore, who will be discussed in another post), was friendly with Peeper's ex-girlfriend and shared most of the scoop with us (under the guise of being helpful...of COURSE she'd never gossip about her neighbors!).

Apparently he had his ex convinced he's CIA agent. I wasn't aware CIA agents were chronically late paying homeowners' dues and liked to start ALL CAPS EMAIL fights with the association over silly things, but I guess that's one way to blend into the hotbed of suburban activities? Anyway, she said he had regular nighttime "drills" involving night-vision goggles and scopes and the windows (seriously, any nighttime drills in MY house involve significantly different maneuvers). He has cameras set up around his house, and has telephoto lenses set up to look into other townhomes.

HOWEVER, this dude's been caught looking in the patio doors and back windows of other townhomes in the complex. When caught he always says he knocked on the door and no one was home so he was "concerned." He stole the President's girlfriend's panties out of their dryer. In their house. When they were home. (That'd be the president of the homeowners' association, not the POTUS...I'm pretty sure nobody could steal anything from that house without several bullet holes, real or fake CIA)*

Did I mention my bedroom is directly across the driveway from the dude's bedroom? Sigh. We have REALLY good curtains. Husband has mentioned on a few occasions that he'd happily open the curtains and look back through HIS scope...with a rifle attached. I suggested anyone who's loony enough to SAY he's a CIA agent likely 1) isn't and 2) is unstable enough that we should probably leave him alone.**

If Peeper ever has tried to look in our windows from the backyard, I sort of wish I could've been a fly on the living room wall...because I bet he pooped his pants. My dogs are giant fluffballs who love kids (um, maybe not birds...) and visitors and everyone (except birds). But they're not fans of people looking in the backyard windows...and 250 pounds of dogs is a lot of canine barking at you. Honestly, they're why I find this particular neighbor more amusing than disturbing. That, and I'm pretty sure Farrah from Teen Moms (and Vivid Entertainment) is a better trained CIA agent than this guy.

*Dear Secret Service and/or Homeland Security: This is a humor post devoted to making fun of an idiot neighbor. Said neighbor is neither currently nor formerly a government employee (although if his ex girlfriend is accurate, he's on disability and runs a panty-porn internet site, if that helps), and nothing here actually has anything to do with any presidents other than the one who used to run our townhome association. Seriously though...if you're reading this feel free to reassure me that you'd never let a sneaky peeping tom type in the CIA, ok? Wait...sigh. Maybe that's a job requirement.

People, this is just one of the many reasons why I'd fail as a spy.

**Disclaimer: sneaky peeping peeper HAS been reported to the cops, who very helpfully said all we can do is continue to report if/when incidents happen until they have enough to justify an actual investigation. Which essentially means "yeah, dude isn't doing anything we can catch him doing, so there's not a damn thing to be done about it." So indeed, I love my dogs.

7 comments:

  1. Oh my! My parents live in a neighborhood with a HOA and the antics that take place are kind of hilarious when you consider that it's a group of adults mostly over the age of 50.

    You should get a cardboard cut out of Jaba the Hut and stand it in your bedroom window so he has something really nice to look at!

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    1. YES! I'm mentioning that to Husband today...it's a fabulous idea.

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  2. So funny! We live on 3 acres surrounded by woods and the only time our closest neighbor bothers with us is to call up and remind me it's hunting season, so my son should stay clear of the woods. Having lived in townhouses and apartments, I really appreciate our current arrangement.

    I'm looking forward to more of this "series". Especially this: "the suspected brothel and the demented Disney princess." I'm hoping that's actually one story--a suspected brothel of Disney princesses. (Also, chalk another one up for why Google thinks you run a porn blog.) ;)

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  3. Rule of thumb: anytime some dude says he's a CIA agent, he's not a CIA agent.

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    1. Exactly so, sir. Exactly so.

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  4. Hehehe. Loved this post. WHAT a creeper. Please, one night, leave your curtains open, and then sneakily put up a sign in your window that says "HI! We see you. Would you like to come over for sex?"... and see if he comes over. Then act like you know nothing about it. Actually, this might be dangerous for you. How about offer muffins instead of sex. But, with your dogs and your husband / husband's rifle, you might be ok.

    Please do start a series of townhome shenanigans. I'm really interested from this point out.

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  5. OMG, there is SO much potential to mess with Peeper, I can't even handle it! You could start a rumour that you and your husband are in the NSA (or some equally mysterious black ops government alphabet agency)on a covert mission to bring down the CIA, starting with low-level, panty-sniffing peepers who just happen to live in your townhouse complex. OR you could be Russian spies passing homeowners association intelligence data. Also, a giant cardboard cutout of a penis in your bedroom window may freak him out. The possibilities are endless!


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Unload your brainpan, but please prove you're not a Russian spam-bot. Or Skynet. I don't want the T1000 after me.