Monday, January 20, 2014

"Nice! I Have a Cadaver Bone in my Jaw. Stay Warm People."

There is nothing I could possibly come up with for a title better than that.

Today's text conversation between my sisters and I today.  Punctuation fixed (it's hard to punctuate on text properly!)

S1: We got a new furnace finally!
Me: Yay! Just in time for -0 this week. Whew!!
S2: Nice! I have a cadaver bone in my mouth. Stay warm people.
Me: WHAT. THE. F. You eat dead people??
Mother: Heehee*
S1: That is literally amazing!!! What if it's from a criminal and it makes you go rogue?!?
Me: What if it's from a super secret agent spy and you get all Bourne Identity?
Mother: Don't give her any ideas!!!
S1: Heehee!!
S2: Lol sickos
Me: If you have a sudden calling to Catholic missions in Calcutta, it's Mother Theresa's bone.
S1: and if it's a craving for fava beans and a good Chianti...well...**
Me: This entire conversation belongs on the blog. How are you feeling after your...procedure? (Every possible way I tried to write that using "bone" sounded sick, FYI."
S2: LMAO yes, just sore. Otherwise went fine. :)
Me: If I write a haunted cadaver bone implant SyFy channel D movie I"ll be sure it says "inspired by REDACTED: S2" and give you 1/2 of the $10 I get for the script. Mwahahahaha!
S2: AWESOME.

Of course, I couldn't stop there...I mentioned it to my co-worker (who also writes). She immediately jumped all over the idea of a haunted cadaver bone in your jaw that haunts you or makes you do bad things, and the only way out is to remove the bone. Hence the SyFy channel D movie script plan.

*Oh yes, I know EXACTLY from whom I inherited my disturbed sense of humor.

**If you don't know what this references, first of all WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?? Second: go out immediately and rent/stream/watch The Silence of the Lambs

And invest in coffee, because you won't sleep for a bit.

And in other news, today in the office I've discussed guns in depth with the new guy, confirmed to a co-worker that Bermudians do, indeed, wear 3 piece suits with Bermuda shorts (and socks up to their knees) instead of pants, and just overheard my boss talking about opening wine bottles with a shoe.

I'm not entirely sure what universe I'm in today, but it's fucking cool and I'd like to stay a while.

9 comments:

  1. BTW, I have a cadaver bone in my foot....tell her welcome to club Zombie....

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    Replies
    1. Ooh...I'll tell her. Do you randomly and with no explicable reason have the urge to kick people? (as opposed to the usual reasons to kick people, I mean)? :)

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    2. Never thought about it, but it kinda had a mind of its own last August and September and there were several people it wanted to kick. Maybe my intolerance for stupid was increase by the number of people out there and the higher % of stupid....I'll never know.

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  2. The doctor's called it a bone "cruton". I was making a joke before they put me under about making a salad out of my foot.

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    Replies
    1. I love that the joke came BEFORE the anesthetic...

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  3. "idea of a haunted cadaver bone in your jaw that haunts you or makes you do bad things." Three words: Lindsey's evil hand.

    Also: Sisters who join in on bizarre texts are the best.

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    Replies
    1. Later my mom said "I have a cadaver bone in my jaw, too. Is that why I randomly feel like biting people when I walk down the street?"

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  4. Mass texting with my sisters is always a questionable event. I'm so relieved it's not just us. :)

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    Replies
    1. Don't worry: someday anthropologists will find remnants of the crazy time text conversations and, unable to explain their meaning, will pat themselves on the back and say "it must have ritual significance."

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Unload your brainpan, but please prove you're not a Russian spam-bot. Or Skynet. I don't want the T1000 after me.