Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Furballs Run My Household

Shit I've said to the dogs in the past week:

But my feet are so TASTY! It's exhausting...

  • Stop licking your feet.
  • NO HUMPING YOUR BROTHER!
  • Thor, don't bite Chewy's face when he's coming back in. Wait until he's through the door, fucker, it's COLD out there.
  • DO NOT EAT THAT POOP!
  • Seriously, Thor, stop eating your goddamn feet.
  • It's rude to stare at my plate.
  • No, you can't have anything here (pointing at plate). MINE.
  • NO LICKING MY FORK, ASSHOLE!
  • Uh Oh!! (note this is immediately followed by two lumbering oafs barreling into our little kitchen to clean up whatever edible bits of tasty goodness I dropped on the floor).
  • Thor, I can pee on my own. I don't need your help. Wait outside.
  • Godammit, I said DO NOT push the door open!
  • Sigh Fine. Get your nose out of my face...I saw you eat poop earlier.
  • THOR!  (followed by a pointed look from me to the dog who's foot is in his mouth. Again. He generally drops it, sighs, and stares at me forlornly).
  • Chewy! NO BLOWJOBS!! Leave your brother's junk alone, dude. That's gross.
  • NO HUMPING!
  • Biscuit!
  • Chew! Get out of the way or I'll have Luke cut off your other arm.*
  • Breakfast!**
  • Dinner!**
*Chewy = giant white fluffball, with teeth. Although he's unlikely to save people in his ice cave to eat later (because it's really way too much work), he'd probably enjoy an ice cave of his own. Also, he's never met a Jedi, but I imagine he'd like them. The only people he dislikes are those who run through HIS backyard and disrupt his view of the frozen tundra.
That would be root beer all over my nose. It was yummy.

Seriously, if you STILL don't get this reference, all I can say is go have a Star Wars marathon. In the proper order: IV, V, VI, I, II, III (if you must...I hated II and III, to be honest. All that horrific WHINING by Hayden Christensen...ugh).

**Both of my dogs do actually know the words "Breakfast" and "dinner." It's the best way to get them to come a-runnin if they're dawdling during a pee break. They also know "biscuit," "bath," "ball", "Furface," "treats," "cheeseburgers," "ride/car/go," "walk," "dog park," "wipe your mouth" and "use your words." Sometimes their vocabulary is entertaining. Sometimes it's irritating as hell.

8 comments:

  1. Haha! I love it! Pets are great. I've said many similar things to my cats. They are ridiculous creatures, as well as my main sources for conversation, entertainment, and friendship. That makes for some interesting situations.

    I love the list of words that your dogs know. We actually say "use your big cat words" to our cats as a way to teach them to "sing" for what they want. Want outside? Meow for it instead of scratching at the door, asshole!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They'll be all cute-like while they drive you to the asylum, most definitely.

      Delete
  2. Oddly enough...all that sounds very much like the things I say to my husband...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Heehee... "no licking my fork, asshole!" is definitely something I'd say to my husband.

      Delete
  3. Roxie3:52 PM

    Are they neutered?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh absolutely they are. Do you have any idea how much PEE an un-neutered 100+ lb dog can produce when marking territory? A LOT (as we discovered when we got Chewy, who was not neutered until he was 3). Thor was neutered as a puppy, though...seems to make no difference in dominance for some personalities, unfortunately. :)

      Luckily, people are almost always safe from any humping behavior (at least...from the dogs. I make NO promises about me). And Chewy only "air humps" anyway...which is a hilarious feat all by itself.

      Delete
  4. Roxie1:27 PM

    Hahaha! No promises about you! If we ever met, and you did that to me, I wouldn't be able to stop laughing! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll keep that in mind (in a non-creepy way), just in case we ever meet. I'm usually...somewhat behaved in public. Otherwise I get kicked out of public places. Sigh.

      Delete

Unload your brainpan, but please prove you're not a Russian spam-bot. Or Skynet. I don't want the T1000 after me.