Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Bacon Fanatics: Gird Your Pork Product. I've had enough.


I get it. I'm as big a fan of tasty breakfast meats as the next person, and I do love me some crispy crispy bacon on a burger.

But seriously? It's time to fucking stop.

Tactical Bacon - nasty limp bacon coiled in a can like a tapeworm ready to strike. I've seen it. I've tried it. I nearly vomited...and sadly this is shit that once WAS bacon.

Calorie-less Bacon Mist? What the HELL is this, some sick version of e-cigs for dieters?

Bacon Toiletries - Because what, you can't just eat (or snort) bacon, you have to stink like bacon all day? I shudder at the thought of bacon toothpaste.

And perhaps the most horrifying of all, Bacon Lube. Because gee...that's exactly the flavor (and stench) I want on *ahem* adult time. There's a big goddamn difference between bacon and sausage, after all...

Look, bacon is fucking awesome for breakfast, on sammiches, crumbled in salads, wrapped around a beef tenderloin or meatloaf, hell it's even good dipped in chocolate  (I know it's weird, but seriously tasty stuff!).

This bacon fanaticism,'s just like the zombie craze lately: fun when it started, but now it's just annoying. I mean, you had the super cool Resident Evil zombies, and the 28 Days rage-filled zombies, and (I suppose) the Shambling Rot zombies. But at some point it's the same fucking story, and overexposure in the market dilutes the horror.

Hey, it's the same with vampires...the dilution of that terror gave us SPARKLING, limp, ineffectual creatures of the...well, of the twilight. Punny.

Bacon does not belong all limp and ineffectual in any form. Keep bacon crispy!


  1. Sherry Roth1:13 AM

    You NEVER cease to crack me up Jess!!!!

  2. stephanie5:37 AM

    What about turkey bacon?

    1. That would be turkey, not bacon. Bacon, by definition, is cured (and preferably smoked) pork. Dehydrating (and preferably smoking) turkey makes cured turkey strips. It's not bacon. However, smoked turkey is damn tasty in its own right...

  3. Husband was kind enough to add to my list with this.

    Bacon goddamn condoms.

    Of all the things my hoo-ha should be, BACON SCENTED is not one of them. What. the. fuck. (pun intended)


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