UPDATED: It's like a divining rod for cosmic lost socks...

I was informed this afternoon that the 'lady occultist' in the Duluth Skywalk NOW offers "paranormal investigation" along with "soul retrieval."

I am thoroughly intrigued.


How exactly does one retrieve a soul?

Perhaps more importantly, how exactly does one LOSE* a soul? Is it like doing the laundry and the washer/dryer eats a sock? "Oops, I misplaced my soul. Crap, I don't remember which drawer it's in."

Does she have a soul-sniffer-outer of some sort?

A magnet-tipped extendo-soul-catching-rod (thanks Michael, for that one...excellent imagery).

Perhaps a specially trained dog (like the drug/bomb sniffing dogs, only for souls)? 




Golden SOUL Retriever

 Good lord, how does one TRAIN a soul-sniffer to sniff out lost souls? What sort of treats (Soul Biscuits) are required to get a dog to recognize a misplaced soul versus an intact soul? (This is Thor, my soul-sniffing-superdog!)

What if the soul is in pieces? Do you need a soul-divining-rod, like dowsing for water? What sort of material is required for accurate soul dowsing and retrieval? Is it something like metal detector-ing (in which case, do will I be wandering the Earth with a supply of batteries and earmuffs, swinging a soul detector over everything)?

How do I know the retrieved soul is mine? I don't want someone ELSE'S lost soul. What if the missing pieces aren't very nice, after all? I'll stick with my own bits, thanks.

Could it show up in a random un-returned library book or box of junk you intended to donate to Goodwill but forgot?

Does missing your soul make you a vampire? If so, do you magically turn into Angel from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (OMG there's a WIKI for Buffy)?

Can I request changing to Eric Northman from True Blood instead? He's way more fun and less broody.

I'm not even going to go the Evil Dead "I'll swallow your soul" route, because that's just creepy.

Perhaps the biggest question: is there a cosmic dryer somewhere with a secret stash of souls??

UPDATE: Per a commentor on Facebook, "every new freckle is someone's trapped soul."

What the FUCK, people? Seriously, I can't even tell you just how disturbing that concept is, and now every time I acquire a new random freckle I'll wonder if the Soul Retriever can remove it...and give it back to the original owner, of course.
*Disclaimer: while  I find my own silliness entertaining I feel some responsibility to put some non-snarky info out there. So, here's what I found locally on the concept of Soul Retrieval, which I must admit is also intriguing.   I'm not intrigued enough to pay for someone to find pieces of my soul, but hey, to each his/her own. Don't yell at me.

Cancer is more important than duckface.

I found this today via CNN.com, and I'm so very impressed and inspired I had to share.

This kid found a 100% accurate (via blind testing on a human population) test to detect pancreatic, ovarian, and lung cancers. Pancreatic and Ovarian cancers are (per my gyno) difficult if not impossible to detect early, which makes them seriously deadly.

A 15 year old did it, and he did it in such a way that the test costs $0.03. THREE CENTS. He's so right: the interwebz is a powerful tool that can be just fantastic.

Or it can be used for duckface pictures.

Because I find weird shit in every corner of the country, that's why.

I spent a whirlwind weekend in the Olympic Peninsula of Washington. True to form, I saw cool and fucked up shit.


THIS ISN'T KANSAS!!
*Actually, I have no idea whether there are assless chaps in Kansas. Don't assless chaps exist everywhere now? I didn't expect this hanging next to my head over the breakfast table, though. Awesome. 




I JUST...YEAH. HUMP TULIPS!




The roadsign said  "BIG CEDAR."
Because standing in a tree large enough to house a family of four warrants a sign.



If not for this fence, I'd EAT YOUR FACE.




Bitch, take a picture because I'm FABULOUS.

Oh, also, the welcome sign in Forks, WA (for you Twilight fans out there) actually said "Welcome to the Twilight Zone." I was amused.

I did not see any Sasquatch, however...in Aberdeen, WA I saw a resturaunt advertising Sasquatch Pizza & Wings. I'm not sure what Sasquatch wings look/taste like. Hell, I wasn't aware Sasquatch were winged...are they like Pegasus, or did they become UFOs when no one was looking?

Sasquatch Icarus! DAMMIT!! I'll have to go back for a search.

This is a public service announcement, not a real post.

So due to a PLETHORA of spamming I've been getting since January, I broke down and added stupid word verification to my comments area.

Dammit. I really don't like doing that (mostly because I generally have trouble reading the fucking verification data myself and it sometimes stops me from commenting on other blogs). Pretty please comment anyway?

That just made me think of Despicable Me. "The physical appearance of the 'please' is irrelevant." Heehee.

I'm off to Seattle and Olympia (what? Starbucks capital of the world? yes please!) tonight to see my most awesome friend Erin...therefore, due to a high level of excitement and anticipation I'm completely unable to focus on any single fricken thing today. A so-called real post will likely happen on Monday, as today's brainpower is pretty well shot.